As imagined by Brian Beacom
NOW then lad, I’ve agreed to talk to you – as the new deputy chairman of the Conservative party I need to be front of house – but let me make it clear from the start, you’d better not kick off by asking me about lying.
And don’t start saying that Verity girl from Radio Nottingham was right to point out I was wrong – during my electioneering door knocking days – to get a mate to pretend he didn’t know me. I soon had that reporter Miss tied up in more knots than Michelle Mone’s yacht can manage – and I’ll do the same to you.
You see, I was once a coal miner, which means I can dig my way out of any old mess. Wasn’t that the case when I was a Labour councillor and accused of bouldering travellers coming to our town? Too right it were.
But you wonder if I’m, like, a little too controversial for the position I’ve been given? I’m guessing you mean my views on hanging and all that.
Well, listen now, and listen good. Half the country believe in a just punishment such as death, and the offer half – the tree-hugging, quinoa chewing’, flip-flop-wearing Newsnight-watching liberals – are just too wimpy to say so.
Let me ask you this; you’ve seen Happy Valley, right? Are you trying to tell me that lad Tommy Lee should not have been hanged? He were a rapist. And a’m bettin’ even your progressive Nicola would have thrown a rope over the tree for that ‘un.
And, no, I’m not trying to be controversial for the sake of it.
When I said in the past people that don’t need foodbanks – ‘30p Lee’ is what they called me when I argued you could feed a family for a day for that amount – I were right.
And it could be even cheaper in Scotland. Your country has the second highest obesity levels in the developed world behind America. Just don’t bother dieting, store your fat – and you will never starve!
What? You’re suggesting I’m too far to the right even for the Conservative Party, that the media will continue to remind everyone that I said I wouldn’t follow Eddie Izzard to the toilet, and I was once investigated for anti-semitism?
Do me a favour. Rishi may be piddling into his Calvin Klein drawers a little but I’m a Red Waller, laddered up the party to give it backbone, to re-appeal to those who believe God were a fella, the neglected Brexiteers, those who loved Farage and feel a little homeless – although we don’t really want to appeal to the homeless themselves because they don’t vote.
I’m a tough talking, no-nonsense bloke and I’d sooner cuddle an Albanian than deny that.
And I’ll bet that softy media types like you and Verity will come to love my little quotes such as "No one has ever committed a crime after being executed."
That is no word of a lie.
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