It's hard to work out what’s more absurd: the sight of a lump of rock - aka the Stone of Destiny - being carried around on a catafalque as if it’s some dead saint, while pipers played and Humza Yousaf marched behind courtly minions dolled up in their heraldic finery; the fevered yodelling of Alba types denouncing the blessed breeze block’s journey to Westminster as an act of domination by perfidious England; or the Coronation itself, a performance of mass grovelling at the feet of inherited wealth amid a cost of living crisis in which mothers starve themselves to feed their children.

You choose. To me, each is a cause for such toe-curling embarrassment I may never get my socks on again. On one hand, royalists are in state of near arousal, discerning in the Stone’s journey some symbolic unity between the nations. Give over. As if a stone is somehow going to switch anyone from Yes to No.

On the other hand, ultra nationalists are polishing their claymores and waiting for William Wallace to rise from the dead to defend this slur on plucky Caledonia. Alex Salmond, who leads the vanity project known as the Alba Party, has already said the Scottish government shouldn’t allow the stone to go to England. Which is a great plan if you want Scotland to look like a petty, crabbit wee nyaff of a nation.

Read More: Stone of Destiny leaves Edinburgh Castle and heads to London

One Alba member was howling on social media, claiming the Return of the Stone of Destiny (which sounds like a bad Marvel movie, to be honest) somehow represented England’s “overlordship of Scotland”. I mean, okay, if that’s how you see it. But as far as I know, King Edward hasn’t marched over the border, on his big long shanks, and lain waste to Peebles.

To give a single damn about this affair is an affront to reason. If you reckon this chap called Charles somehow has the right to sit on a special throne and ‘rule’ you because he happened to appear from a particular womb, then you really need to check which millennia you’re living in. And if you believe a scabby big brick being taken for a wee road trip to London is a wound to the soul of Scotland, then please, get help - soon.

I get that some weird objects are ‘symbols’ of various nations. But nobody was ‘disrespecting’ the stone. I honestly can’t even believe I wrote that sentence. It got its own velvet cushion to ride around on. Clearly, that’s less than the “100 Guardians of Scotland” Alba’s general secretary Chris McEleny wanted to oversee the stone’s brief London sojourn in case the English “steal” it. Sigh. I guess all one can say, is, ‘you can’t have everything in life, Chris’. And it’s coming back, so chill.

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