"NOBODY knows, and nobody will ever know, what we have had to endure." It sounds like the testimony of a frazzled Vietnam veteran, unable to shake off the horrors of conflict.
Instead, these were words spoken by Kenny McDowall, the interim Rangers manager, as he reflected on the past few years at the club ahead of his likely exit. Presumably he was not referring to the food in the Murray Park canteen.
Professional athletes bemoaning their lot are never likely to be given a receptive audience but there will surely be a degree of sympathy for McDowall. The one-time Celtic youth coach has never looked entirely comfortable after being thrust into a job he never expected to get and never really wanted. Only the decision by Ally McCoist, his friend and confidant, to hand in his notice and then walk away put him in this position. McDowall has followed suit by resigning to work his year-long notice period but has so far been allowed to remain in post. The imminent regime change expected to be rubber-stamped at tomorrow's general meeting may finally see him released into the wild - with the Dave King-led consortium likely to appoint a new manager - and McDowall gave the impression of someone who won't be too disappointed if Saturday's trip to face Cowdenbeath ends up being his last game as manager.
At a time when a sense of optimism is starting to grow around Rangers, McDowall offers no regrets that his eight-year stint at the club could soon be over. An unpopular board is soon to be ousted, the fans look set to return in decent numbers again, and there should be money available for the manager to spend in the summer to rebuild the squad. That is a package likely to be attractive to many but McDowall is still happy to be moving on as he reflected on almost a decade at Rangers.
"There wasn't a time when I thought I would like to do the job permanently because I keep going back to the circumstances," he said.
"People keep saying to me, "it's a pity about the circumstances of you landing the job." But if the circumstances were different Ally would be sitting in this seat and I would be sitting in the other office with [Ian] Durranty having a laugh. Because that's what we did.
"I was lucky enough to come here with Walter Smith when he approached me. For me nothing could top that, being invited here by the great man. When Walter stepped down people took it as a given Ally would give me the assistant job. Well, everybody bar me. Coisty knows a lot of people and has a lot of ex-teammates.
"He could have gone to anybody, especially wee Durranty - they are great mates. So that was a great honour for me when Coisty phoned me to say, "listen I want you to take it".
"That's why me sitting here is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is probably not the word because you get better at it the longer you do it. But did I want to be the Rangers manager? No. Am I here through circumstances? Yes. I would prefer it to be Ally because I am a loyal guy and my loyalty is to him. That's where it doesn't sit well with me."
McDowall and McCoist are close but only upon succeeding his friend did he fully appreciate what McCoist had been through.
"The closest I have been is with Coisty. I have watched him suffer and I tried to be there for him. It's a lonely job. I like to think I was there for Coisty and I helped to alleviate any burden he had. But when you're trying to get a result and you're on that touchline, you name your team and let them go. Then you are in their hands for 90 minutes. You are depending on them to get a result."
The first half of McDowall's Rangers tenure went rather better than the second. Under Smith, the club won three Scottish Premier League titles, two Scottish Cups and two League Cups. Then came administration, liquidation, the move to the lower leagues and never-ending boardroom turmoil.
"It's been an incredible experience and I probably have mixed emotions on it actually - good and bad", he added. "I would like to think [in future] I would think about the good times but I will never forget what we have been through - it has burned pretty deep. Ally did an incredible job here and will he get credit? I think he will but I don't think it will be now - it will be in a few years' time. Whether we move somewhere else and carry on time will tell. But one thing I do know it will stand us in good stead."
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