DISCOVERED a new way to keep warm as Bearsden descended into the sort of deep chill only to be found in a bankers’s soul: watch the TV fitba’.

The games, of course, can be as exciting as a glimpse of Anne Widdecombe’s semmit but the imbecility of some of the chat can raise the temperature. There is a lot of nudging, winking, ranting, raving and joking among pundits and commentators on TV. But there is a serious point to be made: many do not know what they are talking about and they are being paid squillions to sound ignorant on television.

One is not referring to the officials on the park, though one could not fail to enjoy coverage of the Dundee United v Celtic match at Tannadice where the assistant referees showed all the comprehension of the offside law only previously displayed by a Bronze Age tribesman with a sharp stone in his eye.

But one must trust that my fellow countrymen had at least a knowledge of the laws. This trait does not extend to a band of Englishmen and a Spaniard on the evidence of last weekend. There are two areas of regular complaint about the coverage of EPL: many of those paid to speak do not know what is going on and a frankly worrying proportion do not know the rules of the game.

It is troubling when the latter trait extends to Howard Webb, who once officiated a World Cup final. Admittedly he thought it was a UFC match. This is the only explanation for his leniency in addressing matters of flying kicks. Mr Webb, BT’s in-house ref, last week answered a query about whether shirt-pulling in the area during the Tottenham v Sunderland match was a penalty. He replied in the negative, suggesting there was not enough contact. This had the not wholly unwelcome effect of briefly silencing a shocked Robbie Savage but also of bringing up the subject of how much shirt-tugging constitutes a foul. Mr Webb was making it up as he went along.

The next miscreant was the commentator on the Aston Villa v Leicester City match who spent some time debating whether a ball had crossed the line for a goal when the answer was obvious. First, the assistant referee was sprinting back to the halfway line. Second, the referee was pointing to the halfway line. Third, an exquisitely rendered portrait of the goal had just been completed by the club’s artist. It is always useful to look at the officials when an incident has occurred. They give soddin’ clues to what has just happened.

Yet, in England, many commentators routinely talk about missed chances or great saves when an assistant referee is flagging with all the frantic energy of a semaphore man with his trousers on fire. It is why I relax when Martin Tyler and Davie Provan are in the commentary box. They not only know what is happening but accept that one’s telly cannot cover all the action. Their flag up/ flag down spiel is not just a service but a necessary one.

They both, too, know the rules which is almost a form of cheating in the English commentary box. Thus Provan could gently remind both his co-commentator and the nation while on duty at Stoke on Sunday that contact was not necessary for a foul to be awarded and that the referee could, indeed must overrule his assistant on matters such as which side should be awarded a throw-in.

This sanity, even lightly held knowledge, is in stark contrast to those who should know much better. There was the almost obligatory bleat from Chris Sutton that Bobby Madden, the match referee, was being unnecessarily curmudgeonly by punishing Leigh Griffiths with a yellow card when the striker removed his shirt after scoring against Dundee United. Mr Madden could be criticised by ruling that James Forrest’s audition for the Miami Heat was not a handball but came off his side. But his caution of Griffiths was mandatory. There are no mitigating circumstances. It is a straight yellow for the forward or an automatic marking down of the official.

Mr Sutton may do well in this respect to listen to such as Andy Walker who pointed out succinctly on Sunday that he did not agree with the law but adjudged it correctly applied when Mark Reynolds of Aberdeen was sent off against Ross County.

This familiarity with the rules of the game should be a basic requirement for those who speak about football for money. It would save all of us from the nonsense about “going down easily” or “the ball being too far away” when a penalty is awarded.

The nadir is the regular “time added-on” rammy. Roberto Martinez of Everton was but the latest manager to hint at a restricted knowledge of this rule when Chelsea scored in the eighth minute of added time when seven minutes had previously been displayed on the board. But, frankly, it would not matter if the referee had decided to play for another hour. The tine displayed is the minimum allowed, only that.

It was all too much for me on a freezing Glesca’ weekend. I took off my shirt and threw it at the telly. I received more than a yellow card, unfortunately. I was in Currys at the time.