THE mind boggles at the thought of what might happen if England actually win the World Cup next Sunday. Would Scottish fans be given a bank holiday? Or just a snap second independence referendum?

In financial terms, Mark Carney – the Canadian governor of the Bank of England – feels it would be “an unalloyed, unadulterated, absolute good”. 

This is a somewhat strange analysis considering boffins reckon that even reaching the final would cost the UK a staggering £1.2bn in lost productivity. 

There will be certain other repercussions, of course. There will be a run on waistcoats at Top Shop, with Gareth Southgate awarded both an instant knighthood and a chance to reprise his role in that ironic Pizza Hut advert. 

The celebrations will last for days and days, and that is just the house party at Jamie Vardy’s gaff. Raheem Sterling’s head will appear on a pound coin in place of the Queen – the pound Sterling.

The Manchester City winger will also get a new tattoo, of whatever he wants. And no-one will mind.

A new version of Euro ’96 Baddiel and Skinner song Three Lions, perhaps featuring Jess Glynne and Stormzy, will be rushed into shops, with every second baby named Harry or Dele. Panel shows will become unbearable.

People north of the border won’t have to worry about that, as an enforced media blackout enforced at the very highest level will kick in immediately after the final whistle. But at least no-one will mention 1966 any more.

FORMER Prime Minister David Cameron was afforded the privilege of sitting in the Royal Box at Wimbledon yesterday, some 33 miles away from where Theresa May was meeting with her feuding cabinet chums to thrash out some kind of common ground when it comes to this country’s Brexit negotiating strategy. 

Aside from his well-known love of Aston Villa (or is that West Ham) Cameron is a keen tennis fan, who turns up here most years and has been known to play Boris Johnson 

at the sport from time to time. But is it just the diary that thinks that the All England Club missed a trick by failing to invite Danny Dyer in there to sit beside him. 

AS football fans across Scotland dig out their blonde wigs and dust down the ABBA LP, spare a thought for those poor souls in the South Korea team.

The World Cup flops were pelted with eggs upon their return home, with police stating this week the protestors would escape prosecution. What a yoke.

As for the silky Swedes against the Auld Enemy, let’s hope they give it a good crack . . . 

GARBINE Muguruza is out of SW19. The woman who eliminated her, Alison van Uytvanck of Belgium, is out of the closet.

The 24-year-old redhead from Vilvoorte proudly announced in March that she was in a lesbian relationship with a fellow tennis player from Belgium, Greet Minnen.

Asked about it on Thursday night, she told it to us straight: she was definitely still gay. “I mean, I’m not sick. I don’t have a disease.”

IN the topsy-turvy world of Scottish ice hockey this week, there was huge news from big cracks Braehead Clan who announced they were changing their name to Glasgow Clan.

Despite the move being done to swell crowds, attract star name signings and attempt to make the Clan the biggest thing in Braehead since the 24-hour Krispy Kreme opened, the decision didn’t go down well in the unforgiving world of social media with some supporters. 

“I’ve never been as outraged in all of my life,” said one fan while posting a picture of the Braehead badge tattooed on his rear. 

As we speak, he’s currently on Tattoo Fixers asking for a Parkhead Forge cover up.

What a cheek.

THERE has been a number of impressive – and surprising – statistics coming out of this year’s World Cup. But one of the most depressing has to be the findings of a Swiss broadcaster that Neymar has spent a whopping 14 minutes on the deck as a result of his “injuries”. 

With the Scotland men’s national team showing few signs of making it to a World Cup any time soon, maybe the players need to look at where they’re going wrong – they’re spending far too much time on their feet.