We’ve all seen the videos. The swarm outside some generic American shopping bazaar, security guards setting the automatic, glass sliding doors to open with the reluctant obedience of Robin Williams’ Genie powering up new custodian of the lamp Jafar in Disney’s Aladdin. Cue utter bedlam. Sodom and Gomorrah. Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night in December.

Black Friday 2022: how did you spend yours? Hopefully not on overpriced TVs that don’t fit through your front door, latest generation gizmos, gadgets, talking watches, pads, pods, phones, hoovers and hover crafts. Hang on to your receipts, 14-day return guarantees, and one-year manufacturer warranties. The swarm to return all this junk to the retail desert is the less-reported side of this dastardly annual pilgrimage.

The fever of this festive folly seems to have spread far and wide. Cut to the relative sanctuary of Waterstones during the Christmas gift hunting and gathering season, clutching a copy of One Thousand And One Nights as the perfect paperback gift for a child of the backlit screen generation, to my horror I was hoodwinked by some hooded hoodlum who snatched the article from my flailing fingertips. “It’s mine, it’s finally all mine!” he cackled, rubbing the cover ferociously. The heaving security guard who chased him out the door confirmed my worst suspicions: “Come back here, Jafar’n Bastut!” Just who Bastut is (a two-bit replacement for the inimitable Iago, perhaps?), I guess I’ll never know.

Speaking of unheard-of replacements for household names, there was quite the hysteria at another annual pilgrimage this time of year that can produce similarly fevered, frothing fervour from those in attendance. The Rangers AGM was previewed with all the pomp and ceremony of Prince Ali arriving at the palace on elephant back. As ever with these yearly affairs, the nuts-and-bolts of the meeting was more often than not drier than a camel’s knee. But during the Q&A session with shareholders, with new manager Michael Beale sitting next to club Sultan Ross Wilson, one of the attendees piped up with a measured questioning of the sporting director’s performance in the transfer market over the past two seasons.

“When you look at the players signed during your tenure, we’ve had very few successes and a lot of failure,” this shareholder asserted. “You could maybe pass [Ianis] Hagi, [Kemar] Roofe, [Jermain] Defoe and [Calvin] Bassey as successes, but when you look at the failures under your watch, going by reports, it’s quite expensive.

“We spent £2m on Juninho Bacuna, Aaron Ramsey was reported to be anywhere from £780k to £3m, Mateusz Zukowski was signed for £500k, he played one game. [Amad] Diallo came up from Man United – failure – we’ve now signed Rabbi Matondo for £3m, he’s not hit the ground [running]. And then you also spoke about injuries and how it was unpredictable: Did you action the signing of a centre-back from Hearts [John Souttar] when he’s missed 44 games at Hearts over the last two seasons?” Remember, this is a Rangers fan speaking to Rangers power. It’s not some cheap dig coming in from the sides. At this point, a loud ovation sparks up amidst like-minded people in attendance, as Wilson squirms in his chair.

The shareholder then concludes with a rhetorical question to the board: Does Wilson retain their full confidence? Wilson would not have been sitting next to the latest incumbent at the meeting if he did not, but let’s check these names off this list.

Juninhio Bacuna

Signed for Premier League side Huddersfield Town in 2018, and the club were relegated that season. At the close of their first season back in the Championship, Huddersfield availed of the option to extend his deal in May 2021. Three months later he was signed by Rangers on a lucrative contract before the close of the summer transfer window. It was football’s equivalent of a supermarket TV inflated to three times its RRP before being sold for “half price” on Black Friday.

Aaron Ramsey

After losing out on One Thousand Nights, I crossed the street and picked up Men In Black on DVD at Poundland. The Will Smith alien-invasion classic was a big hit back in my day and I was sure it would stand the test of time. What I hadn’t thought about was that I don’t even know if I own a DVD player anymore. It was a bit like that with Ramsey at Rangers. An incredible talent, but how was he supposed to fit into the creaking system? And even if he did, injuries were always a concern.

Mateusz Zukowski

Signed to “provide competition for captain James Tavernier”, according to Rangers at his unveiling, his side-kick status was even more pronounced than that of Mike Wazowski in Monsters Inc., with the right-back quickly loaned back to Lech Poznan in his homeland.

Amad Diallo

Dialled in on the basis that his parent club was Manchester United, the forward was like JML’s latest thing you can’t believe you ever lived without, until it arrives and you spend the rest of your life living without it.

Rabbi Matondo

One Christmas my mother-in-law bought me an expensive cardigan that my wife shrunk in the wash. Matondo’s performances for Rangers have been a bit like that (with the “did anyone actually want this in the first place?” question also hanging in the air). One thing the Welsh winger has going for him is that he shares his first name with Scotland’s national bard. The best-laid plans and a’ that.

John Souttar

I’ll leave the jury out on this one. He has the potential to be a top-class centre-half at Ibrox, but the question marks over fitness and availability are fair observations thus far.

So, when the glasses are clinked at Hogmanay to bring in another January of frenetic boardroom activity in the pursuit of the best bargains the world of football has to offer, can Wilson gift new man Beale with some players who might give him a crack at silverware in the second half of the season? It’s the season of goodwill, after all, so maybe there’s hope for their chances yet.

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