I now started to feel the effects of radiotherapy.
It hit me on Friday morning when I made my way to the gym.
As I stood at the entrance I felt sick and dizzy.
My first thought was maybe I didn’t eat enough – then I had that little voice in my mind to remind me that I am in radiotherapy and I’m approaching the end of week two.
Usually I would’ve just pushed on but, with no team selection at stake, I decided to turn around and head home.
I was only five minutes back in my flat before I was flat on my back in bed and I didn’t wake up until 3pm.
With radiotherapy at 4.30pm it was a quick dash to get across town and into the basement of UCLH.
As the sun shone on London and people rushed about I was back sitting in the stillness of the basement alongside a couple of other patients.
Before I knew it I was back lying on the machine having my face clamped inside my mask and hearing the words “we are leaving the room now if you need us just wave.”
The mask felt extra tight today and I could not open my eyes.
For some of the treatments this week I’ve been able to peek out of my right eye and see the machine passing as it delivers the beam of radiation – what I am now calling the beam of hope.
As I lay there I could feel my mind drifting to “what am I going to do post treatment?” and “how long will I have and how am I going to spend my time?”
So far I have managed to ride home every night after treatment and make it to the gym almost daily.
I’ve made it to the driving range too but I feel next week might be where I end up only leaving the flat to go for treatment.
With this thought circulating around my mind I feel my anxiety levels rising.
I can feel my time running out and want to make the most of every day and sport is how I do that.
As much as I love watching it, I much prefer doing it, so even with a week of football on television I have a feeling of dread coming over me as I write that next week will be fairly sedentary and extremely challenging mentally.
In many ways staying active during this treatment has been more for my mental state than physical.
Going to radiology every day and being surrounded by cancer can be challenging when you are a massive empath like me, so those gym visits and golf days are a massive life support for me.
However, I am starting to feel the impact of radiation and as my body slows down it is proving challenging to finish the column and climb onto a bike to ride home.
But I know my ride home is more than some physical exercise.
It’s 40 minutes of freedom, an escape from cancer and a moment to myself to just enjoy the wind in my face.
I am not usually a fan of cycling in London but these post-treatment rides are providing me with moments of solace amongst all the noise.
As I gather the strength to walk over to the Lime bikes and begin my ride home I am reminded of the impermanence of life.
As I rode home one night this week I cycled past Naomi Campbell as she opened her show at the V&A.
I had no idea what was going on but there was a massive amount of energy in this one section of my ride then a few metres away no one cared or knew what was happening.
I have that feeling every day I go into radiology, the knowledge that metres away people are shopping and drinking and others are fighting for their life.
With that in mind I encourage you to get outside this weekend and fully absorb in activities that light that fire inside of you as nothing in life is permanent.
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