Political records

GLASGOW Caledonian University now has the world's first centre of political song, which was kick-started with heaps of material from former Glasgow MEP Janey Buchan. Janey says it is too difficult to define what exactly is a political song or chant. Would you include, for example, she says, the chant by gays who were banned from the massive St Patrick's Day Rally in New York but joined in anyway and sang: ''Two, four, six, eight. How do you know St Patrick's straight?'' As Janey says: ''My grandmother would be birlin in her grave like a dervish if she heard that.''

One of the more unusual records donated is a recording by the Band of the Royal Marines. Now they are not normally known for their political protests, but the story goes that during the Portuguese revolution the folk who took over the radio station didn't know what to do next, so they just started playing over and over a small bundle of records they could find, which included the Royal Marines playing A Life On the Ocean Wave. Even to this day the Portuguese, Janey assures us, associate the song with the overthrow of their government.

Game's off

PARIS will be its usual lively self when Scots rugby fans turn up in force for the Six Nations match the weekend after next. But it might have been even livelier.

Steven Graham, who has the Auld Alliance and Pure Malt Scottish pubs, thought it would be a good idea to put on a Highland games in the Place Sainte Catherine, near the two howfs. It would be an ideal way to keep the lads out of mischief and show the Parisians a slice of Scottish culture.

The Paris toon cooncil and the prefect of polis said it sounded very interesting and asked for some more details. They became less certain when Steven explained that big, hairy Scotsmen would be throwing tree trunks about the square. And big hammers. And chucking heavy weights over a crossbar. Oh, and there would be plenty of drink consumed.

Unaccountably, the Parisian powers-that-be said no. There might be damage to the trees in the square. Mr Graham has organised a boat trip up the Seine to the Stade de France instead.

l READER Ian Nicol asks: Have

you heard about the Bruce Grobbelaar pension? The less you save the more you earn.

Testing times

AN Australian now residing on Arran is bemused by the effort involved in sitting the driving test here. He has been explaining to friends that when he lived in the outback he had to drive 30 miles over rough country to the nearest town to sit his test.

He reported to the local police station, which dealt with such matters, and the sergeant said to him: ''I see you clocked up a fair bit of mileage getting here. Did you hit anything on the way?'' When he answered in the negative, the sergeant congratulated him and stamped his licence with the official seal of approval. Fair dinkum as they say down under.

l A NEW book, Good Things from Arisaig, was the subject of some ribaldry from the West Highland laddish tendency. Calm down, lads, it's a recipe book.

Ties that bind

AS we feared, the parody of Don McLean's American Pie, which makes fun of the good citizens of Glasgow, is now clogging up e-mails everywhere. Self-styled weegie exile in Edinburgh Alan McCombes has already been sent 12 copies, and has attempted to fight back with an Edinburgh version called, You'll Have Had Your Pie. Too long of course to repeat, but we did like the stanza:

Well I know that he's in love with her,

'Cos she's an heiress, he's a Sir.

Though more a frog than a handsome

prince.

He was a chinless wonder with a Jenners

pullover

A New Town flat, and a green Land Rover,

But then she fell for his Weegie chauffeur

The day Latapy dived.

And they were singin' . . .

Bye, bye, nibbling muesli and rye,

Fur coats, no knickers - but our status

is high

Keep ourselves to ourselves 'cos we're

painfully shy

Singin: I'm impressed by your old school

tie.

I'm impressed by your old school tie.

Out of bounds

DARE we risk another caddy joke?

A Yorkshireman arrives at St Andrews to play golf. He goes into the caddy shed and asks: ''Anybody here good at finding balls in t' rough?'' Having selected a suitable caddy, he takes him outside, and

says: ''Right. You go off and find

some balls, and then we'll get going.''

Gone clubbing

FURTHER clubs which you might

consider joining?

l The Footballers' club? I'll pass.

l The compulsive rhymers' club? Okey-dokey.

l The Spanish opticians' club? Si.

l The anti-perspirant club? Sure.

l The pregnancy club? Conceivably.

l The procrastinators' club? Maybe

next week.

l The self-esteem builders? They

wouldn't accept me anyway.

l The agoraphobics' society? Only if they meet at my house.

l The Kenny Dalglish club? Mibbes.

l OVERHEARD, a Glasgow lady of a certain age who has just discovered she is pregnant and is stunned and delighted in equal parts by the news: ''It couldn't have come at a worse time. I've just bought a cream carpet.''

l In our continuing quest for stores which state the blindingly obvious, we came across this tag from M&S. Up and down the country there

are parents saying: ''Goodness, if I hadn't read that warning I could

easily have chucked my wean on the fire. Well done St Michael.''