SO, at last, someone has come up with a bright and innovative idea to
reform the Scottish football league. Rangers and Aberdeen have put
forward the equivalent of a sporting White Paper which will end the
nightmare of a 44-game season and introduce such novelties as the winter
break and play-offs for promotion from and relegation to the minor
leagues.
When the Scottish league administrators come consider this document,
they may find it rings a bell. The very same idea was floated in the
excellent alternative football magazine The Absolute Game some four
months ago.
The author of the article had also sent on the idea to the Scottish
football authorities for their consideration.
The reaction from the fitba mandarins was, and we're paraphrasing
here: ''Piss off back to the terracings where you belong and leave the
running of the game to us.''
We presume that Rangers and Aberdeen, and whichever of the other big
clubs get behind this excellent blueprint, will get a more sympathetic
hearing.
el9
* THE Further Trials and Tribulations of Andy Goram, Goalkeeper of
This Parish.
Goram (to fellow Rangers players): If I was still at Hibs I'd have won
a Skol Cup medal . . .
Rangers player (a wag): If you were still at Hibs we'd all have won
Skol Cup medals.
* THERE are some pretty awful away strips being worn these days in the
football leagues. (Some pretty awful home strips as well, but let's not
go into that just now.)
We have been hearing from a Paisley chap about the St Mirren away
blouse. ''It is black with a grey Paisley pattern on it. It is very
smart. It is a pity, but somehow quite appropriate, that the pattern
looks just like tears.''
* FULL marks to Mrs Leonie Goodman, who fought and won her case
against being excluded from Whitecraigs Tennis Club because she was
Jewish. We wish her every success in next season's mixed doubles. We
just hope she can find a suitable Christian partner.
* ENTIRELY on behalf of Scottish football fans planning to travel to
Sweden for the Euro fitba next summer we have been checking what it
might cost for the essentials of life over there.
Lars-Olaf Lundberg, press attache at the Swedish Embassy, tells us you
can get your tea for as little as #5. The lower end of the hotel market
will put you up for the night for #30 to #50. The Swedes are ready and
willing to welcome the kilted hordes. ''We have a very positive view of
Scottish fans,'' said Lars-Olaf. ''You are really welcome to Sweden.''
What, we hear you ask, will it cost for a drop of lager to toast those
Bulgars who got us through or indeed the Scots, should we progress?
A mere #4 a half-litre (seven-eighths of a pint). Now there's a
prospect; watching Scotland sober.
* ALREADY confirmed as Scotland's strikingest striker, Ally McCoist
has laid the foundations for a post-playing career as a TV personality.
He sparkled on the BAFTA Scotland awards ceremony on Wednesday, despite
admitting to a severe attack of wobbly knees while onstage at Scottish
TV's Studio 1.
Out shortly will be Ally McCoist -- The Video. The makers, Caledonian
Television, have called it Super Ally. Us chaps on the Sporting Diary
prefer to refer to him as the GLR -- the Greatest Living Ranger.
We have only managed to sneak a preview of the first five minutes of
the video but it contains some wonderful goals; some nifty post-scoring
dancing; a statement by Paul McStay to the effect that the GLR is a most
dangerous player, especially when he's singing; a further statement from
Andy Cameron that Ally is not ''only the best striker in Europe but also
a sex symbol -- Ally told me to say that''; a testimonial (verbal not
financial) from some Celtic fans to the effect that he is a nice guy, a
great player, he doesn't give any abuse to the Tims, and they wish he
played in the hoops.
The GLR, for us chaps, is definitely the smile on the face of Scottish
football.
GOLFERS have to fill in those fallow winter months somehow. Some of
the chaps at Williamwood, the select club on the southside of Glasgow,
decided to have a night during which a bird would be hired to get her
tits out for the lads. (Sorry, strike that last bit. This Diary is
getting far too vulgar. What we meant to say was that a lady performer
would be engaged to doff her garments purely in the pursuit of the
lively arts.)
Anyway, the function was to take place in lockfast premises to protect
the innocent. A member of staff, spotting the arrival of a lady (''a
right darling'' according to an eye witness) in a fur coat and black
stockings guided her into a sideroom and said that she could leave her
gear in there while she performed next door.
The said member of staff has discovered that this is a surefire way of
upsetting a member's wife.
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