MISSING apostrophes often offend our readers. One Diary reader who was at the Celtic game at the weekend noticed that one bold Celtic fan had painted his own wee banner - which would have been far more positive if it had included the missing apostrophe. Instead the red-painted banner had the more pessimistic declaration: "Were Magic".

The promised land? We have often praised the plain speaking of Australians. Kilwinning chap Ian Limpitlaw, now in Australia, tells us he was at a wedding in Perth recently at which the couple had written their own vows. The bridegroom's vows included: "I promise not to back-seat drive and be patient with you when you parallel park after I have had a few beers and think I know better."

The bride's included: "I promise to care for you in health and in sickness, unless it is self-inflicted and 2am."

Good selling point WITH the good weather arriving, a reader was in a garden centre at the weekend where he watched a fellow customer pick up a packet of insecticide and ask: "Is this good for greenfly?"

"No," said the cheery salesperson, "it'll kill them."

A real alive wire A GLASGOW school-leaver who attended a prestigious university for an interview tells us that, on reflection, he probably gave the wrong answer when he was asked: "If you could have dinner with someone alive or dead, who would it be?" and he replied without thinking: "The alive one."

Count on it THERE was much discussion at Lanark Rotary Club's sportsmen's dinner last week about an advertisement in the evening's programme from a local firm which proclaimed it was offering "adult services". Before too many Rotarians got hot under their collars, the local accountant who placed the advertisement regretfully told folk it was meant to read "audit services".

Swear to tell the truth STORIES you may have missed. We are indebted to the Hebrides News for telling us this week about a Lewis man appearing at Stornoway Sheriff Court accused of acting in a racially aggravated manner when shouting "f****** English" at an Englishman.

Sheriff Colin Mackenzie was slightly troubled and asked: "I am unsure if they are English how that is racist."

So the procurator fiscal explained: "The f****** is the problem."

But the sheriff persisted: "So I can't call you a Scotsman?"

However, the fiscal added: "You can't call me a f****** Scotsman."

At that the sheriff was satisfied, and fined the chap £75.

It's the little things in life A GLASGOW reader was listening to a Radio Scotland reporter on the EU fishing story and heard him state: "The EU is concerned that there are too many boats fishing for two little fish." He didn't realise things were that bad, but on second thoughts he may have misunderstood the comment.

Scent packing WE end our tales of rugby referees with Jim Docherty reminding us of the tale of the referee who awarded a penalty to the away side and was immediately told by a home player: "Ref, you stink."

So the ref marched 10 yards forward for the penalty and asked the player: "Well, how do I smell from here?"

An eye for the talent A READER phones to tell us he heard a loudmouth in the bar the other night discussing the fuss surrounding Britain's Got Talent singing sensation Susan Boyle, and declaring: "I can't stand women who exploit their looks to achieve success."