THE world went UFO-mad this week. By “world”, I mean the United States, which is kinda the same thing. At any rate, extra-terrestrial developments there were widely reported here, with the most worrying claim being that some aliens are malevolent and have killed people.

Damn. I’d predicated all my hopes on the aliens being kind and rescuing us from the Earthlings. David Grusch, a Pentagon whistleblower who served 14 years in the US Air Force, said: “The logical fallacy there is because they’re advanced, they’re kind.” Fair point. People were kinder in the 1950s than they are now.

Mr Grusch bases his claim of extra-terrestrial malevolence on “witness testimony”, provided to him in briefings. I see. Over the last week, he has also gone public with claims that the US government has been lying for decades about discovering UFOs and extra-terrestrials.

The whistleblower, who represented the National Reconnaissance Office at meetings with the Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (formerly UFO) Task Force, says the US runs a reverse-engineering programme using UFO technology and is in an arms race with Russia and China to deploy it for benignly violent purposes.

Sensationally, Mr Grusch also claimed the US government would do anything to protect the secret, including killing people. “I’ve heard some reallyw un-American things I don’t want to repeat right now,” he hinted darkly.

The problem with all this, as with the malevolent Earthlings claim, is that Mr Grusch’s information is all second-hand. He was told about it by others involved. Meanwhile, yon Pentagon denied any knowledge of the programme, but pretended it would investigate his claims. In a third explosive claim this week, Mr Grusch claimed Pope Pius XII acted as a go-between during the Second World War to ensure a crashed UFO was moved from Italy to the US. He said the Catholic Church was “certainly” aware of “non-human” existence on Earth. Adding to the sinister vibe, the Vatican declined to comment.

However, Nick Pope, no relation and a former Ministry of Defence UFO investigator, said of the extra-terrestrial phenomenon: “Gone are the days when it was regarded as part fringe, part-science fiction, and part conspiracy theory.” Pretty sure these days are still here, mate.

All this was just the tip of the UFO iceberg this week. A top attorney involved in bringing whistleblowers to Congress claimed a UFO recovered by the US military “distorted space-time”. When investigators entered it, they found it “bigger on the inside”. Er, think that was Dr Who, mate.

Meanwhile, a study revealed Virginia would be the safest state in the event of alien attack, with plentiful cover available in caves and woodland, while the wide open landscape and high number of UFO sightings made the West Coast most dangerous. Finally, someone posted film on yon YouTube of a UFO flying into Popocatépetl volcano in Mexico. He said magnetic jiggery-pokery therein made it a portal to another universe. I see. You are busy people, so on your behalf I’ve examined this evidence. It’s certainly interesting though, if you remove “desired sight” from your imagination, the “UFO” could be a meteor or drone. Still, any portal in a storm, eh?

Fake news

A new front has opened up in the raging garden wars. Already we’ve had the Battle of 1,000 Cuts: to mow or not to mow? That is a question. Now it’s fake lawns: these are questionable.

As we know, a campaign is under way to let gardens, especially lawns, be wilder, so that “weeds” and wild flowers flourish, providing provender for insects who themselves, in the appalling world of nature, are food for birds. I did No Mow May, and the results were beautiful and colourful. But I’m still struggling now to get some order back into the joint. I’ve never had anything like a decent lawn but had to concede it looked quite good mown again. In addition, the blackbirds and robins clearly preferred the cropped grass, because they find god-awful things to eat in there. They get lost in the long stuff so don’t go in.

My solution entails balance, leaving alone areas of the garden into which I rarely venture. I certainly won’t go into them noo as, unmown, they are breeding grounds for ticks (deer still get over my expertly erected fence). Thus nature: horrible; out to hurt us whenever it can. Meanwhile, this week, folk with fake lawns have been fighting back against “snobs” who deplore their artificiality. The fakers say they look great and are low-maintenance. Which is the key to this debate: laziness. Also, fake grass doesn’t look great. It looks naff. Critics say it’s like something out of Barbieworld and environmentally unforgivable. Yet entire new housing estates are provided with these chemically-treated outdoor carpets.

I’ve encountered many folk who hate their gardens. They should welcome, therefore, being forcibly removed to flats, where they belong. Plenty of folk in flats would welcome a garden, so swaps should be arranged by a benign socialist state with armed back-up. In the meantime, Michael Gove, the Levelling Up and Doon Secretary, is said to be considering a ban on fake lawns in yonder Englandshire. Go for it, little Goveling.

Buffoons: the vampire slayers

A grave containing 450 “vampires” has been found in Poland. The deceased’s skulls were placed between their legs. This, and padlocking a toe, as also discovered, was to prevent folk returning from the dead. Who carried out these practices? Correct. These people were nutters. It was just 150 years ago. In Europe.

Load of bull

Taurine, an amino acid found in energy drinks like Red Bull, might make folk live longer, say Columbia University boffins. Earthlings lose taurine with age: a 60-year-old has a third of a five-year-old’s level. Tests so far have taken place mainly on lab mice. The wee rodents are experimented on so much, they’ll soon become immortal superheroes.

Pasta joke

Italian persons are appalled by decent, ordinary Britons putting ketchup on their pasta. Nearly 65% of Italians believe it’s sacrilege, which is odd as most 15-quid pasta dishes are just pasta with some variant of tomattie sauce on them. There were also objections to improving the taste of pizza by adding delicious pineapple to it.

Jumping for joy

Now even spiders want cuddles, or at least to be beside their “owners”. We’re talking jumping spiders and certainly, on the face of it, so to speak, they have eyes (eight) and appear to recognise their pet humans. Videos on YouTube show this. Nature is cruel, but we could be on the brink of taming it at last.

Mr Beans

Barry Kirk of Port Talbot, South Wales has closed his famous baked bean museum to focus instead on finding a female partner. Describing himself as an “edible” bachelor, he says he’s seeking a future “Tina Beans”. We wish Barry all the best, and trust he finds someone saucy to snuggle up beside his sausage.

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.