Best defence
BRITANNIA was once a warrior nation. Feared by rival powers, we were like the Vikings, only with bowler hats instead of horny helmets.
Now it’s reported that Blighty is no longer the feisty fighting force of yore, for we’re running short on munitions.
Startled reader Craig Williams says: “Personally I blame school teachers. It all started to go wrong when they cracked down on cunning wee rascals in the playground making their own catapults…”
Status update
WIMBLEDON is wimble done for another year, and the major news is that Novak Djokovic’s imperious dominance of the men’s game is on the wane.
Nicola Dudley from Cumbernauld watched Djokovic getting djittery, then being djolted out of victory by Spanish spank-master Carlos Alcaraz.
Staring glumly at the TV, Nicola’s husband said: “Poor old Novak. Reminds me of the painful day I lost my number 1 status.”
“You’ve never played tennis a day in your life,” countered Nicola.
“Tennis?!” sputtered hubby. “I’m talking about marbles. I was school champ till I was dethroned in Primary 7.”
Stick with it
MORE sport. Visiting the local hostelry with a pal, reader Dan Masterson claimed that it’s impossible to understand the hideously complex rules of cricket, unless you’re an Englishman born and bred.
“Oh, they’re really pretty simple,” replied his pal, then proceeded to give a detailed description of how the game is played.
He explained it thus: “A guy takes a ball and chucks it at another guy with a stick. Meanwhile, a bunch of other guys sit around watching, trying to pretend they’re not bored.”
The short goodbye
IN yesterday’s Diary we discussed that peculiarly Scottish phrase "toodle-oo the noo", which is a musical way the native population has of bidding a fond adieu.
Fife resident Glen Haywood says: “We have a more succinct method of saying goodbye in my neck of the woods. Instead of seeing cheerio, we’ve trimmed it down to… tro.”
Dinky dog
WE mentioned an animal lover who owned a pet poodle. Reader Mark Robson was once on a bus when a glamorous young lady hopped on, carrying a poodle.
“Yur no allowed dugs oana bus,” huffed an elderly chap.
“This isnae a dug,” sniffed the glam gal. “It’s an accessory.”
Footering about
MORE amusing medical musings: reader Richard Yorke says: “If you injure your heel does it eventually heal?”
Park life
BOASTFUL reader Len Burley gets in touch to tell us: “I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.”
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