Doorway to desire

A DIARY yarn about predictive text reminds Robert Menzies from Falkirk of the Dark Ages, before such a technological marvel was invented.

Thankfully there was still something called spellchecker, which came to the rescue of many a struggling prose stylist.

“However, that only worked if a word was misspelt,” says Robert. “It didn’t take account of malapropisms.”

Our reader discovered this when writing a letter to a client about a new psychiatric unit he was designing.

“To avoid stigma for the young patients, we had designed discreet entrances,” says Robert, “and even extended this to cater for ambulant disabled patients.

“Though I started to become suspicious after getting plaudits for being ‘such a sensitive architect’. It transpired that my letter had highlighted the provision of secluded entrances for ‘amorous disabled patients’.”

Tongue tripping

GLASGOW has been named the UK’s second-fastest-talking city, with lithe-tongued locals jibber-jabbering at a pure, dead whizzing rate of words.

The study was undertaken by language-learning platform Preply, though Glaswegian Diary correspondent Paula Sanderson is not convinced by the findings.

“Wedon’treallyspeakveryfastatall,” she argues. 

Fishy fact

FASCINATING info from reader Tom Porter, who points out: “The exact opposite of a mermaid is a landlord.”

Cocktail confusion

WHEN he was young and naïve, reader Martin Richardson went on a date with a posh girl he met at a dance.

In order to impress her, he suggested a glamorous cocktail bar, where he ordered a fancy-sounding tipple he had never heard of before.

Attempting small talk, Martin pointed to the menu and said: “I wonder if they use real nuts to make the drink?”

“What on earth are you talking about?” asked the girl.

“This one here,” said Martin, being entirely sincere. “The peanut colada.”

(No) animal magic

THE world’s oldest living dog, since records began, sadly died earlier this week.

The Portuguese canine, whose name was Bobi, shuffled off this mortal coil (or perhaps was freed from the mortal leash) at the grand old age of 31 years and 165 days.

Perhaps not showing the requisite amount of respect for such an elderly Fido, reader Bruce Sweeney says: “I’ve always heard it said that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. I guess that turns out to be true, since unfortunately Bobi never quite managed to figure out the handy trick of immortality.”

Sign up and get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox each morning.

Animal tragic

PROUD reader Patrick Fullerton tells us: “My father has the heart of a lion.” With slightly less pride, he adds: “And a lifetime ban from the zoo.”