SOME time ago, we covered the posh – I nearly said “iconic” there –Edinburgh suburb of Morningside in our intoxicating series. At that time, I promised we’d do Morningside’s Glasgow equivalent, Kelvinside. So, here it is.

And it is here because, like its easterly equivalent, it says something about Scottish culture.

Both suburbs are supposedly characterised by folk having a “pan loaf” accent, particularly, as elsewhere in Scotland, among the aspirational. “Pan loaf” effectively means gauche anglicisation.

Absurdly, my proletarian mother used to say “aye” the way that Dundonians allegedly say “pie”: “peh”. It was a bit like saying, “Och aye at the moment.”

I cannot speak for Kelvinside (or “Kelvinsaide” as it’s supposedly pronounced) as authoritatively as I can about Morningside, which I once passed through – joke – allowing me to convey without fear or favour the fact that, today, folk in the Edinburgh suburb no longer need anglicise their accent.

That’s because they’re nearly all English already. Just saying. Not necessarily a bad thing. Arguably even a good thing. English folk tend to be fine and nice. Right, enough rowing back from simple but controversial truths.
Here’s the truth about Kelvinside.

It’s the one place in Glasgow where you might spot someone wearing a cravat and monocle. No, I’ve over-egged that with dated stereotypes. Start again.
Clears throat. Twangs braces. Puts on serious voice.

Kelvinside is arguably at the side of the Kelvin, which is a river. Replete with Victorian villas and swanky terraces, it says here that it is bounded by Broomhill, Dowanhill and Hyndland to the south, and Kelvindale to the north.

Already we find ourselves getting bogged down in a geographical quagmire. Boundaries, demarcations: always a nightmare. So, Kelvindale is something different. As is North Kelvinside, which is really “north of Kelvinside” or, more accurately and confusingly, east of it.

We’re not talking Hillhead either, though there is a Kelvinside Hillhead Parish Church, serving both ghettoes. It’s actually a decent bit of kit, an A-listed building described on one architecture website as “stunning”.

Based on the Saint Chapelle in yonder Paris, it boasts a right good rose window and stained glass by that Burne-Jones.

In its prime
My team of researchers tells me that, when it comes to local history, the aforementioned North Kelvinside hogs all the attention, on account of having once had a big hoose in which was born a prime minister: Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman.

However, I have unearthed one or two fascinating nuggets about Kelvinside for myself. At the corner of Kirklee Road and Great Western Road, there was a shop in a wee green hut which locals inexplicably called “the Greenie”.

In the 1990s, it was replaced by a two-storey stone building, with housing upstairs and a shop on the ground floor. Though no longer green, the shop is still referred to as the Greenie! Amazing.

We can also reveal that there used to be a Kelvinside railway station on Lismore Road/Great Western Road, near Gartnavel General Hospital. As part of the Lanarkshire and Dunbartonshire Railway, trains ran through the two-platform station from Glasgow city centre to Maryhill and beyond.

The Herald:

The former Kelvinside Station

Hot property
Alas, it closed in 1942, and the line was discontinued in 1966 as part of the notorious Beeching cuts. Not unnaturally, after the station building was closed, it was subject to numerous arson attacks until being reincarnated in the guise of various restaurants (the first of which obviously burned down).

Further back in history, in 1894, Kelvinside Golf Club was founded, with a nine-hole course, which is nine too many for most decent ratepayers.

Where was this golf club to be found? All together now: off Great Western Road. Yep. On Crossloan Road. Though easily able to accommodate more members, it initially had a limit of 150, due to being restricted to Kelvinside residents. Riff-raff from Hillhead were kept out.

On the opening of the club, Mr J.B. Fleming, hon. pres., was presented with a “handsome cleek”, which I’m told is a handy tool for picking your teeth. Unfortunately, the club eventually found itself up s**t cleek and, despite having 250 members, closed in 1901.

On the corner of Kirklee Road and Bellshaugh Road, a few minutes’ walk from – drum roll – Great Western Road, stands Kelvinside Academy, a private day school which will be steamrollered when Scotia becomes an independent socialist monarchy. The school’s motto is “Ever to be the best”. Disgraceful.

Turning now to Great Western – wait for it – Terrace, which is two seconds from Great Western – steady now – Road, we find a fine row of grade A-listed sandstone townhouses constituting what snooty estate agent Savills describes as “one of the West End’s most prestigious addresses”.

The terrace was designed by none other than Alexander “Greek” Thomson (subject of a future lecture in this educational and informative, but never entertaining, series).

Peculiar postcode
Demarcation. On various property websites, despite having the same postcode as Kelvinside, and sometimes being thus assigned, we find Great Western Terrace also variously listed as being in Dowanhill and Hyndland. What the hell is going on? Ma heid’s spinning here.

Oddly enough, I remember, in the Morningside lecture, having to point out to readers that the poshest houses in the area were actually in what is called The Grange – next to Morningside.

Ach, who cares? Great Western Terrace is described by another estate agent, Rettie, as “the most monumental and original of all the surrounding terraces”.

Westbourne Terrace, also designed by Thomson, and situated on Hyndland Road but described on the information in front of me as being in Kelvinside – aargh! – is another fantoosh slum way beyond your purse, so don’t even think it.

Kelvinside, as described by Citylets, “remains one of the most sought-after areas in the whole of Glasgow”. The spec goes on: “While it’s pleasingly close to the centre of the city and all the attractions therein, it offers local residents a tranquil, peaceful neighbourhood that provides a wonderful sense of sanctuary at the end of the working day.”
Take me there now, wherever it is and whatever it encompasses.