Wayne to go
MATT Vallance sends this intriguing tale from the real Wild West: “Yesterday, I was on the Stagecoach 356 service from Cumnock to Dalmellington. The bus on this service is a nice Mercedes model, and part of the schedule involves a five-minute stop in Burnton, a ‘suburb’ of Dalmellington.
“During this stop, the driver, new to the bus and the route, was acquainting himself with his vehicle. He pressed one button and, immediately, an alarm went off and we heard a recording: ‘This bus is under attack, please dial 999 and call the police.’
“The thing is, this Stagecoach bus was sitting outside the former Running Dog Saloon. So, we had a Stagecoach, under attack, outside the Running Dog Saloon. My question is: where was John Wayne when we needed him?”
Up with Basil
THE Radio Times reports that best British sitcom of all time has been awarded to Fawlty Towers, featuring “highly strung” hotelier Basily Fawlty. The description recalls Basil’s words about a similarly characterised snotty boy: “Yes, he should be.”
Killing two birds
GOLF may be a good walk spoiled, but at least it’s never wasted. Robert Gardner reports:
“Two ancient golfers were playing their favourite course when one had a massive seizure and died halfway round. Being late in the day and sure they were last on the course, the fit man lifted his old buddy back to the clubhouse and called a doctor.
“A few days later, the man was having a drink in the bar, and members came up to commiserate. Said he: ‘You know, the worst thing was having to lift him and put him down every time I played a stroke on the back nine.’”
Homeo sapiens
TOP health magazine Viz continues its advocacy of homeopathy, with this reader’s top tip: “Homeopaths. Save money on petrol by filling up at the water pump. Your car will remember the petrol from your previous fill.”
Eat prey love
A DISTINCT lack of sympathy has been expressed for a rhino poacher in Africa who suffered a grisly death, after which only his skull and trousers were found. Celebrity interviewer Piers Morgan tweeted: “Very concerned to hear about the poacher who was killed by an elephant, then eaten by lions. Hope they didn’t get indigestion.” Another mourner added: “Absolutely disgusted … that the elephants and lions didn’t take a selfie to show us their trophy.”
Dug deep
DIARY reader Gordon Hart has resumed his walking tours of Glasgow and, while in Govan, a local fellow came walking along with his two dogs. When a female visitor tried to clap one of them, the chap said: “Aye, that wan’s OK but the ither wan’s got wee dug syndrome.” A fine gem of canine psychological analysis though, alas, the tourist only understood the word “got”.
Devil juice
FOLLOWING The Diary’s recent Buckfast stories, Giffnock reader Alastair Bale confirms the Glasgow provenance of Buckie Negroni, as recorded by Henry Jeffries in his book, The Home Bar.
The Buckie entry is based on the professional expertise of Alastair’s barman son Stuart, with Jeffries noting of the invigorating tonic wine: “You might think it tastes like the saliva of Satan, but it’s actually rather nice …” As for the cocktail recipe, it’s 35ml Campari, 35ml gin, 35m Buckfast. Sounds lovely. Apart from the Campari and gin.
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