Chef shock

INSPIRED by our story of an unexpected exchange in Bulgaria, an Edinburgh reader recalls: “I was at a conference in Geneva about 15 years ago where lunch was held in the cafeteria of a United Nations agency. Chefs in full whites and tall hats were serving delegates from behind a counter, taking orders in French and German. As I reached the front of the queue, I thought I'd be funny and said (in French): '... and lots of chips please, because I'm Scottish'. Imagine my shock when the Swiss chef turned round and asked: ‘Are you cruisin' for a bruisin’?”

Explains our man: “Turned out he’d worked in Glasgow kitchens in his younger days and had seemingly been on the receiving end of this particular phrase on more than one occasion.”

Flying the flagon

MORE boozological wisdom from WC Fields, courtesy of Kilbirnie reader Russell Smith: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and, furthermore, always carry a small snake.”

The smart set

ARE older folk easily amused? Our reader Obi reckons so. He tells us: “Popped in to see Mumsie (87) yesterday. She had Grace (91) round for a cuppa when I walked in. The height of entertainment for the two of them was putting on electric appliances and watching the smart meter dance. Best one was the tumble dryer – made them giggle like teenagers!”

Yellow peril

TOP current affairs magazine Viz continues to pass on wise observations from its readers, such as this one from Pete Busby, West Australia: “These yellow safety vests are all very well, but they won’t help you in a custard factory.”

Hooked on poop

AN ice cream parlour in Ilfracombe, Devon, has come up with a new flavour: seagull poop. We presume it’s more of a look than a taste, though Pete Small of Joey’s explained: “All I can say is that the seagull’s diet is rich and varied, so it’s a very exotic flavour.”

Unfortunately, this reminds us of an old seagull poop joke. A pirate, complete with an eye-path and a hook for a hand, walks into a bar. After serving him his rum, the barman says: “If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get that eye patch?”

The pirate says: “Well, I was out on deck, scanning the horizon for ships to plunder, when a seagull pooped in my eye.”

Barman: “You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?”

Pirate: “No, because it was my first day with my new hook.”

Eating your fill

MEANWHILE, guests at the wedding of two environmentalists tucked into a sumptuous feast consisting of food destined for landfill. Kayley Cookson and Joe Tilson hired the Real Junk Food Project for their big day in West Yorkshire. The project intercepts food that’s been over-ordered or gone past its sell-by date, but which is still perfectly edible. What was it Shakespeare said about landfill being the “food of love”?

Knowing his place

TODAY’S piece of sublime daftness comes from Norman Brown in Barassie, who avers: “I failed my Geography exam at school, mainly because I kept getting the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn mixed up. My teacher said that I had a real latitude problem.”

Read more: 1946: Glasgow welcomes the great Irving Berlin