Diary’s Inferno

ALASDAIR Gray is Scotland’s greatest living writer, painter and all-round polymath. (In other words, he’s good at doing stuff. And lots of it.) Gray has just released the second volume in his translation of Dante’s Inferno. This lengthy work by the Italian poet concerns Dante’s descent into hell, and all the nasty people he meets on the way. Dante’s Down-Below is an Italian sort of gaff, as you would expect. But what would a Scottish hell be like? And who would you meet on your journey? We guess you would bump into at least one American actor claiming he could perform a perfect Scottish accent. And when he opened his mouth, what would come out? A perfect accent, indeed. If he hailed from Dublin.

Stirring it up

WHEN reader Chris Fulton recently moved to London, he proudly posted a video on social media showing him making a cup of tea in his new flat. His dad, unimpressed, left the following comment. “I see you’re stirring your tea counter-clockwise. Very la di da. London’s changed you, lad.”

Murray minted

SIDELINED from tennis with a hip injury, Andy Murray’s earnings dipped recently, and he’s down to his last £25million. At least we know what caused the injury now. It must have been the strain of hefting his wallet around in that bulging hip pocket.

Loved-up Lewis

LEWIS Capaldi is flying high in the UK album and single charts, yet MTV only nominated him for a few minor gongs at their music awards show in Seville next month. Lewis’s debut album is titled Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent. With the MTV snub in mind, the album should probably be called Divinely Ignored to a Hellish Extent. Never mind, Lewis. The Diary loves you. (To a hellish extent.)

Chat falls flat

GOSSIP. It ain’t what it used to be. Rachel Lindsay was on a train, listening to the woman opposite yakking on her mobile. The woman’s chat, which we reproduce verbatim, went like this: “You know whatsisface? Who married her with the thingy? Yeah, whatdymcallher? Well, he went and you-know-what!” Rachel was unimpressed. “It’s very hard to be a nosey besom on a train when the people you’re earwigging won’t deal in specifics,” she grumbles.

Blue humour

ENGLISH Heritage have put up a blue plaque to mark the house where reggae singer Bob Marley lived while based in London. Celebrating a Jamaican star in this way is no bad idea, and we look forward to Scottish icons immortalised in a similar fashion. Our favourite place for a blue plaque would be the very spot where Chic Murray fell on his backside and broke that fabled bar of chocolate.

Game over

DAVE Low from Cumbernauld was playing chess with a friend when the pal said: “Let’s make this interesting.” So they stopped playing chess.