THE Herald has many fine political correspondents, though we’re always on the lookout for fresh voices. Which brings us to Bob Jamieson’s six-year-old granddaughter, Matilda, who exhibits the penetrating insight required to become a commentator of distinction.

Recently her Girl Guide Rainbows group had a Parliamentary evening. The girls sat in a circle and were given the opportunity to say something profound. When Matilda’s turn came she told the assembled group: “Mummy doesn’t know who to vote for because she says they’re all plonkers.” What the little lass failed to mention was the variety of plonker available to the electorate. Left-leaning plonkers, right-wing plonkers, green plonkers and why can’t Scotland run itself plonkers. Indeed, a veritable smorgasbord of plonkers. Or to give such a grouping a more precise label… democracy in action.

Argy-bargy baristas

ACTOR David Paisley recently rejoined the cast of River City, meaning he’s immersing himself in tense storylines while delivering daring lines of dialogue. Though apparently his everyday life is dramatic enough to keep him fully occupied. David reports that he was in a coffee shop recently when the barista serving him wished him a good morning. Her colleague was not impressed by this pleasantry and explained that it was already afternoon. "But it's only 10 past 11," retorted the first coffee-percolating professional. To which the other responded tartly: "Yeah, so it's too late to say good morning. You have to say good afternoon."

Bum deal

TAKING an old-fashioned wooden loo seat to value and sell at auction, reader David Donaldson was disappointed when no interest was shown in such a historic and venerable item. “I was told the bottom had fallen out of the market,” he sighs .

Shelling out

OUR recent yarn about a gang of daring snails scaling a high wall in Glasgow’s West End reminds Roderick Archibald Young of his own confrontation with such a creature this summer. Roderick was sitting in his back garden watching a snail make its way up a table leg at a leisurely pace. Our man wondered if removing the little fellow’s shell would make it a more manic and motivated mollusc. On the verge of grabbing a pair of pliers from the shed and initiating this dramatic transformation, Roderick recalled that, if anything, removing a snail’s shell would make it more sluggish.

Web of confusion

MORE thoughts on the forthcoming General Election, this time from Scottish writer and director Armando Iannucci, who is still swithering over which political party to endorse. “There must be a website somewhere that shows you which is the best tactical voting website to use,” he says.

Bad company

LOOKING for a pay rise, reader Tobias Foulkes informed his boss that three other companies were after him. “Which ones?” asked his impressed boss. “The electric, gas and water companies,” said Tobias.

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