Water way to go

COMEDIAN Susie McCabe has been making the most of this season of celebrations and slurred words. Stifling a cheeky hiccup, she informs us that she’s been: “Drinking my first glass of water that’s not got alcohol in it for the first time in a week.” Sobriety. It’s a wacky idea, but it may catch on…

Matchless observation

THE death of Scotland’s very own renaissance man, Alasdair Gray, has led to many a teary-eyed tribute from the great and the good. There have also been numerous anecdotes recalling a quirky chap who was one of Glasgow’s most colourful characters. Sports journalist Roddy Forsyth remembers Alasdair asking to be taken to an Old Firm game. Roddy arranged to get him into the press box at Ibrox, which was populated by old-time reporters, very suspicious of this eccentric individual with a high, squeaky voice. Alasdair watched the game in silence until ten minutes into the second half, when he yelped out loud: "Ohh!" As everyone turned to look at him, Scotland’s most esteemed polymath observed of the teams: "They've turned around!" Gray was unquestionably a distinguished author of boundless talent and imagination. But as Roddy points out, he’d have struggled to file a match report for The Herald…

Coffee caper

IRVINE Welsh, known for his harrowing tales of heroin-addled heroes, appears to be moving upmarket in his everyday life. “Tasted an ice latte for the first time ever,” he says. Does this mean he’s now a sophisticated chap around town, ready to buy his first top hat and monocle? Not quite. “Vile,” he grimaces, describing the taste of the iced latte with a shudder.

Capital idea

EDINBURGH-BASED history podcaster Stephen Graham admits that the raucous revelries enjoyed last night, and well into this morning, were not entirely to his liking. “Doing my favourite New Year activity again,” he explains. “Getting the **** out of Edinburgh.”

Making heavy weather

WEATHER presenter Joy Dunlop recently enjoyed a few days away from telling us all how dreich it is outside. So did she make good use of her break? Well… “This was me last week,” she reveals. “I’m going to use the holidays to catch up on all my paperwork, invoices and also gut the house and sort out my life.” She then adds: “Me today: And I’m back at work having done absolutely nothing. Oops.”

Nagging over numbers

A JOKE for those who, for obvious reasons, are suffering from a splitting headache right now. A mathematics professor arrives home on New Year’s day at 3am. His wife, who is waiting up for him, is not amused. “I thought we could bring in the New Year together,” she snarls. “You said you’d be back by 11.45.”

To which he responds: “Wrong, my dear. I said I’d be home at a quarter of 12.”

Read more: Hogmanay, 1947 and 2003