Home grown hero

LOCAL comic book fans will be thrilled to hear the next Batman movie is to be partially filmed in Glasgow. But will this lead to subtle changes in the Caped Crusader’s conduct? To answer that question the Diary’s crack team of investigative reporters stole a copy of the screenplay for the new film. (Sorry, that should read "stumbled upon a copy of the screenplay after it accidentally fell out a Hollywood executive’s jemmied-open briefcase".) The following is an extract from the script:

Batman: Haw, Robin. Git yer erse intae gear. Wir goan oot the night tae gie that pure Joker bam a right good duffin up.

Robin: Geez a break, big man. Am oana bevvy the night. Besides ye’ll no find a Joker roond here. Billy Connolly’s aff oan the ran dan doon in Florida.

Bumpy ladder

OUR tale about a schoolboy bamboozled by the dictionary definition of a word reminds reader Russell Smith of another confused young scholar who made the puzzling pronouncement in class that: “The fireman went up the ladder and when he came down he was pregnant.”

“What are you wittering about, Johnny?” enquired his bemused teacher.

To which Johnny responded: “I heard my mum say to my big sister ‘I’m pregnant’, and I looked it up in the dictionary and it says ‘carrying a child’.”

Freedom? Fat chance

SOME years ago Ron Fretwell was strolling down the street with a pal in Coatbridge when a policeman stopped the pair to inquire if they would take part in an identity parade. Agreeing, they soon found themselves lined up with six other blokes, who were all, like themselves, of average height and build. Then in came another fellow to join the group. As he was cuffed and being dragged by a copper, it was clear that this was the suspect. He also happened to be much squatter and chubbier than the rest of the group. Looking at his fellow "suspects" with disgust, and no doubt realising his hopes of blending in with the gang had been squashed, he grumbled accusingly at his police escort: “Is there no short, fat fellas in Coatbridge, at all?”

Mind your language

COMEDIAN Susie McCabe is overjoyed: “Some people get emotional when their child takes their first steps,” she says. “But today my brother stalled the car and my two-and-a-half-year-old niece declared .... ‘F**king hell.’” The delighted aunt adds: “It’s a proud day for the McCabe family. She’s 100 per cent my niece.”

Destination unknown

FUMBLED phrases continued. Reader John Milligan tells us his friend once said he was going on a flight to Australia. “He reckoned he would either stop over in Hong Cock or Bang Cong,” chuckles John.

Crazy talk

WEIRD humour time. Reader Alex Lawrence told his psychiatrist he’s been hearing voices. “He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist,” says Arthur.

Read more: The Glasgow trolleybus, 1950 and 2017