Winds of change

TIREE is fair blustery at the best of times. And these are not the best of times. Rhoda Meek, who lives on the Hebridean island, reports on matters in what we can only call a Biblical, End of Days fashion. “It's day three of fairly inclement weather,” she says, showing a knack for understatement, then adds: “We may never have a ferry again. Bread has a street value. UHT milk is suddenly not so horrific. Tinned carrots from 2014 are considered currency.” Even the local livestock are developing a bunker mentality. “Sheep are in hiding,” says Rhoda. “They’ve organised lookouts.”

An Irn heart

AS a law professor at Glasgow University, Fiona Leverick is most wise. Though she admits to being a little lacking in local knowledge. “I’ve just accidentally bought a bottle of Irn Bru from a vending machine,” she reveals, then adds: “I’ve lived in Scotland for over 20 years but never tried it before. My heart is saying: ‘Do it, and then you’ll be a real Scottish person.’ But my head is saying: ‘Urrrgh, it’s so orange…’”

Crowning achievement

WITH Harry and Meghan opting out of the Blue Blood Brand, Baillieston comedian Jamie Dalgleish senses there might be a vacancy in the Royal Family he’d be happy to fill. He explains that his relevant skills include: Getting money for doing practically nothing. A history of questionable Halloween costumes. And, most crucially… he can wave.

Mad idea

WITH Glasgow screenwriter Krysty Wilson-Cairns nominated for an Oscar, The Diary has made it our mission to pitch Krysty movie ideas with a distinctive Scottish flavour, hoping she’ll get them greenlit by a Hollywood studio.

Reader Tom Embery suggests an updated version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. “The movie would be called Wan Flew O’er The Numpty’s Nest,” says Tom. “Instead of being based in an American insane asylum, it could be set in our local equivalent, the Scottish Parliament.”

Bad language

FUMBLED phrases continued. In today’s instalment, Kenny Hardie from Stewarton provides us with metaphors that aren’t merely mixed, they’re positively mangled. For starters, there’s Kenny’s wife, who’s been described as “sharp as a button”. Then there’s the time our man was watching a TV news report when the bloke being interviewed responded to a question by saying: "We're all under the same boat." Another fellow added mysteriously: "We're being thrown to the four winds, and we don't know if we'll sink or swim."

Kenny promises to keep us updated on further developments in the war on the English language, though he says reconnaissance missions into the zone of conflict aren’t easy. “You've really got to keep your ears peeled,” he notes.

Telling porkies

FED up with our overlords in government, reader Duncan Martin asks: “What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?” With a grunt of disdain he tells us: “The F.”

Read more: The Queen at the General Assembly, 1977