A dog’s life

FAMILY dynamics can be tricky to navigate. Who’s up? Who’s down? Is mum the best thing since sliced bread? Is dad as stale as a five-day-old baguette?

In recent times Jimmy Nimmo from Ayr found himself obsessing over his fragile status in his own clan’s hierarchy. Until the issue was resolved with a conclusive flourish last week, when he took his wife out for a meal, leaving their large and wolfishly handsome dog Shamus at home.

When the waiter handed Jimmy the menu, his wife said, “By the way, I promised Shamus that we'd bring him a doggy bag. So when you're thinking about your main course, be sure to choose something he’d like."

Vanishing vamps

TO be a successful musical performer, it’s a good idea to have some decent patter to sprinkle between the songs. At a recent performance in Oran Mor, eighty-nine-year-old folk legend Jimmie Macgregor proved he’s still got the verbal tricks to go with the guitar licks. "I've always been attracted to older women, but there's none left," he quipped.

Wife’s silly boob

POSSIBLY with his tongue lodged firmly in his cheek, Bob Jamieson tells us that his wife has never been comfortable with IT. Last week she took a wireless bra back to Marks and Spencer complaining it didn’t have a password.

Height of success

SCOTTISH poet Catherine Wilson is clearly enjoying the fruits of her talent. Reporting from the lofty heights of the top of a double decker bus, she says: “I’m the only person on this double decker bus. I feel so powerful. I look out the window at people walking on the street and feel like having a queenly wave. Is this what a limo feels like?”

Dinosaur (not) Jr

THE Diary is entertained by the current social media trend, where people share the best nicknames given to work colleagues. BBC Scotland broadcaster Chris McLaughlin puts the laugh into McLaughlin by revealing a friend used to work with an exceedingly elderly electrician. “He was affectionately known as Jurassic Spark,” reports Chris.

Gobby footballers

FUMBLED phrases continued. Brian Johnston’s late father told him of a union meeting where the father of the chapel was incensed about allegations being spread in a secretive fashion. Face reddening with fury, the union supremo demanded the alligators stand up and make themselves known.

Brian also recalls overhearing a radio interview with a football manager who was asked about his tactics for a big match. "We're just going to be as offensive as possible," he explained.

“Presumably that meant more swearing and gobbing phlegm on the pitch than usual,” says Brian.

Speaking volumes

A BISHOPBRIGGS reader of a bookish bent wonders if we’ve heard about the curious case of the librarian who stocked shelves with nothing but fiction. Apparently she had a novel approach to the job.

Read more: Mr Happy in Glasgow and Berlin, 1984 and 1987