No love lost

YESTERDAY was Valentine’s Day, a time to celebrate love and commitment. Though it’s actually been a week when public figures have said “You’re chucked” instead.

Boris Johnson dumped Sajid Javid and a bunch of other MPs in a Cabinet decluttering campaign. And Harry and Meghan, the nation’s most compassionate and woke couple, proved they have a mean streak, too, by consciously uncoupling from 15 members of their staff.

The Diary, however, never gets rid of anyone or anything. We’ve even retained the services of our faithful copyboy, Junior, even though he’s 98 years old. The loyal lackey still serves the Diary staff snacks on a silver platter and buffs our shoes while we work.

We also keep classic stories and one-liners, to entertain readers on a Saturday. How else would we be able to remind you of the correspondent who once asked if the use of French phrases is passé?

Fat chance

WHEN Graeme Souness was still an Ibrox hero, the fans regularly chanted “Sou-ness, Sou-ness”. At one match a press photographer’s messenger, who could best be described as being on the chunky side, walked along the trackside to collect some film. As he did so, a section of the fans changed their chant to “Sumo, sumo…”

Fit chance?

AN apocryphal tale now. A Japanese soldier emerges from the Malaysian jungle many years after the end of the Second World War. He is duly flown home to be reunited with his wife. After an emotional reunion, with much ritual bowing, the husband says to his wife: “Have you been faithful to me?”

To which she replies: “I have indeed been faithful.”

The husband continues: “I think you lie. I have heard you’ve been living with a Gordon Highlander from Inverurie.”

“Fa tellt ye that?” she demands.

Footy faux pas

WE know that English broadcasters occasionally have trouble with the names of Scottish football teams. But we fear the chap on BBC Radio Lancashire went too far once when he announced as a score draw an encounter between Alloa and Stenhousemanure.

Shirty with Sheriff

WE occasionally bring you classic tales of that legal legend Sheriff J. Irvine Smith, whose sentencing usually came with a quality quip. His uncompromising attitude often elicited a response from the accused. As one chap was being led away for a taste of porridge, he let slip the phrase “F****** b******”. Irvine Smith, with his keen hearing, picked this up. Asked to elaborate, the felon claimed it was not a reference to the sheriff. Irvine Smith begged to differ: “I don’t see anyone else in the courtroom who answers that description.”

Soak it to me

A GIRL was once sobbing in the maternity ward and the doctor asked the sister why. “She can’t breast feed,” answered sister. “Then you know what to do,” said the doctor. “It’s hardening of the nipples. Get some olive oil and cotton wool and make up some soaks and get her to put them on.”

Upon his departure the sister consoled the girl: “It’s all right, dear. Doctor wants you to put on some olive oil soaks.”

“Awright,” said the lassie. “I’ll put them oan if ye want. But will they no make a hell o’ a mess of ma feet?”

Quirky query

FINALLY, another imponderable question we were once asked. Why is the alphabet in that order?

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