Baby talk

EDINBURGH’S favourite chronicler of drug-fuelled shenanigans, Irvine Welsh, has been explaining how he came to be one of life’s Irvines. “I was named after the river, rather than the town,” he says. “As my parents threw a dart in a topographic map of Scotland.”

Which does seem a rather random way of naming a baby. Though Irvine admits he was probably quite lucky that his parents showed a degree of prowess in chucking arrows. “Could have been East Kilbride, I suppose,” he says.

Beer mugs

FOR the past few days we’ve been enjoying a fruity flirtation with the French language. (Shhh! Don’t tell anyone. But we’re currently in top secret negotiations with sultry actress Catherine Deneuve, in the hope she’ll agree to visit every Herald subscriber at home, to read aloud the Diary’s most popular French-themed tales.)

Today’s yarn with a Gallic twist comes from Frank Owens from Baillieston. He recalls the tale of the two Scots in Paris for a rugby match, who were enjoying a pre-match visit to Le Boozer. Duncan returned from the bar with three beers and said to his pal Hamish: " It must be some kind of happy hour. I asked for twa pints and they gave me three."

Chocs away

A MILNGAVIE reader tells us his friend’s daughter retired recently. With time on her hands, she volunteered to transport a group of elderly neighbours to their various get-togethers. This saint with a driver’s licence asked for no thanks or reward. Which is why she was pleasantly surprised to be visited by a representative of the group she was ferrying around. “Here’s a wee ‘thank you’ from us all, dear,” said the representative. “We've really appreciated the trouble you've gone to."

The recipient of all this goodwill felt her delight dissolve when she ripped open the pressie. For underneath the wrapping was a box of Milk Tray… with five of the most popular chocs missing.

Green day

WHAT has become of the gloriously gruff and tumble game of football? It seems to be evolving into something hideously humanitarian. As proof we note that in Parkhead the takeaway food area of the stadium now includes a vegan kiosk.

Though maybe this does make sense. After all, the Celtic faithful have always been attracted to anything green… even if it is a salad.

Flaming nonsense

FUMBLED phrases continued. On hearing a juicy piece of local gossip yesterday afternoon (details redacted), David Donaldson’s wife confidently predicted: “If this ever gets out then the sh*t will really hit the fire.”

De news from Deneuve

NEWS just in regarding our top secret negotiations. Catherine Deneuve says: “Non!” (The Diary’s French language skills are fairly rudimentary. So we’re assuming ‘Non’ means: “Yes, I’d love to help with the Diary. Count me in guys!” Looks like we’re going places, at last…)