Tumble time

THE Diary’s favourite crafter of outrageous excuses has always been former US president Bill Clinton. We were so fond of Bill’s blame-dodging abilities that we thought his autobiography, which had the deadly dull title My Life, should have been called: Monica? Monica? Never Heard Of The Chick.

Skilled though Bill was, we have to admit that a new contender has arrived on the scene. Deontay Wilder claims his boxing defeat to Tyson Fury occurred because the fancy costume he wore into the ring was so heavy it sapped him of energy.

Unlike Bill and Deontay, our contributors never hide behind excuses. Instead, they celebrate their stumbles, fumbles and tumbles by having them published in the Diary, to be chuckled over for all eternity. Such as the East Kilbride librarian who put up a sign with the blindingly obvious message: “These books may be borrowed.”

Russian home

ONE of our readers once witnessed a fleeting moment that was almost as romantic as the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. It happened during the departure of the Tall Ships from Greenock where a large crowd had gathered. Our fellow was standing next to three teenage girls. As the Russian ship went past, a magnificent sight with about 100 Russians in the rigging, one of the girls yelled out: “Haw Ivan, whit are we gonny call the wean?”

Getting shirty

A VERY roundabout compliment was once overheard in a Glasgow department store where an ample lady had just bought a suitably ample blouse. While wrapping it up, the size-ten assistant gushed: “I love this blouse. I just wish I was fat enough to wear it.”

Bell ending

A WOMAN was shocked when her grandmother told her that her grandfather died of a heart attack while making love. When the young woman expressed surprise, her grandmother said: “Oh yes, we had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells. In fact,” she added, wiping away a tear, “If it hadn’t been for that blasted ice-cream van he might still be with us.”

Crowd pleaser

TRAVELLING can be very stressful at times, so one can forgive the woman, a nurse at a major Glasgow hospital, who got quite flustered racing for her train across the width of Central Station. She ended up startling the crowds coming in the opposite direction by shouting “Gangbang, gangbang” as she tried to clear a path to her train.

Lot of bottle

THE Diary has previously pointed out that chardonnay has been the downfall of many a Glasgow West End woman on a night out. We pass on the tale of the young woman imbibing too much in Ashton Lane, who keeled over backwards in a bar, and was caught by a startled chap standing behind her. To give her credit though, she gathered up her dignity, and told her shiny armoured knight: “I like a man who can hold his drunk.”

Cowboy shot down

A TEXAN visiting Scotland was bragging about the size of the state he came from. He told his bored audience: “In Texas you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall.” Which allowed a weary Scots listener to reply: “Aye, we’ve got these rotten trains on the Glasgow to Edinburgh run as well.”