Ron McKay's diary: from frightful viruses to colourful language ... it must be a crime, m'lud

And then they touched down and filed out into the arrivals process. There was no health screening, no temperatures taken, and when each passenger reached immigration control they were ordered to remove their face masks. Some are taking this coronavirus risk a bit more seriously than others.

Treating with alcohol

Travelling from London on an all but deserted train on Tuesday, part way through the journey an elderly woman decided to sit down at the table opposite me rather than in the banks of empty seats. A few minutes later I sneezed loudly and inadvertently, so, naturally, I said: “Sorry, it’s just the coronavirus.” A few minutes later she absented herself, to another carriage I think, as the train wasn’t for stopping imminently. If this hysteria continues, joking asides like that will become illegal. The Government has already taken to itself more stringent powers than were deemed necessary in wartime.

Adding to the contumely have been scaremongering comments from those who should know better, senior health professionals who postulate that up to 80% of us could become infected, with around 1% dying, which would be over 50,000 in Scotland alone. The NHS would be swamped just dealing with hospital admissions – mind you, it would be a massive boost for the Co-op and other funeral companies.

One surprising fact is that, unlike flu and other epidemics which are indiscriminate, the virus doesn’t appear to affect those under 10. I haven’t read a convincing explanation as to why this is. It was the same in the Sars epidemic, where no children died. Perhaps innocence is a prophylactic.

In the meantime, us older ones will just have to wash our hands repeatedly in alcohol-based sanitising gels while repeating the Lord’s prayer, or God Save the Queen or whatever it is we’re meant to do. It strikes me that if alcohol really can protect against the virus then it would be wise to see out the rest of the epidemic in a mildly intoxicated state. I’ll be giving it a try.

Her Maj catches on

The Queen was photographed during the week presenting awards and geegaws to folk while wearing gloves, which is another approach.

I like to think that she was inspired by the former Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall who tweeted his own solution: “Just give them gloves. As a lot of people say, I caught f*** all when I wore mine.”

Epidemic benefits

But this supposed pandemic has its benefits. My boy, as a birthday present, has booked us to go to Italy for a few days in May. The flights are so ridiculously cheap it looks as if a digit is missing from the price. And as for Airbnbs, you can get a penthouse suite with hot and cold running servants for the cost of a round in a temperance hotel. If they don’t allow us back into the country that will be another bonus.

The cancellation of dozens of international flights is welcome news for the ozone layer and the global temperature. Satellite images have also shown a dramatic decline in pollution over China, in part due to the shutting down of industrial plants because of the virus. Worldwide, dirty air, largely from fossil fuels, caused 8.8 million deaths in 2015, according to the World Health Organisation, more than smoking, and it shortened your life and mine by a year-and-a-half.

If the virus spreads in line with the most serious predictions there will be less travel and less heavy industry, so coronavirus could halt global warming. Throw in a couple of billion deaths and there is also less pressure on the Earth’s precious resources.

Sorted.

Quotes of the week

Rachel Johnson, the Prime Minister’s sister, at Jewish Book Week, commenting on the forthcoming addition to the extended family, the Boris baby, or , as she put it, “the withdrawal agreement that went wrong”.

An anonymous former ministerial colleague of Priti Patel on her merits: “She is a vile, pushy, horrid thicko.” And, by the way, an utterly reliable source of mine claims that as a young PR, Patel was involved with Dundee United at Tannadice. Can this possibly be the case?

Airing accounts

I DON’T know what makes an airline Scottish. Perhaps the tartan on the plane’s tail fin? Loganair services crucial remote locations like Exeter and Southampton, but it can’t remotely be called a Scottish company. The registered office of the parent is in the East Midlands and it’s largely controlled by the Bond family – and yes, there is a James, albeit with a Peter preceding.

Loganair gobbled up BMI, had a relationship with Flybe (the worst British airline, in my humble opinion) and has now quickly taken over 16 of its routes. Good luck to them. But perhaps it’s time to sort their statutory default. Their accounts up to March 2019 were due by the end of December at the latest, which is flagged up in red as being well overdue at Companies House. Look into it, 007.

Legal wrong chord

Those of a sensitive musical disposition should steer clear of Edinburgh’s Corn Exchange on Thursday. The sounds emanating from inside will be from bands of lawyers – not fighting over fees as usual, but aiming to win the LexFactor trophy for musical performance in their civvies and hair spray. It’s a charitable event with the funds going to the Lawscot Foundation which supports poor kids into the law, as opposed to being victims of it.

Among the bands going for the title are A Flock of Legals, The Paroling Stones and Bail’Her’Swift (ouch!). Presiding over proceedings will be Lord Carloway, best known as the lead singer and vocalist of the Faculty of Advocates band The Reclaimers. In his spare time, Colin Sutherland as he used to be, is Lord President of the Court of Session, or, as he prefers to be known, the country’s heid legal bummer.

He’ll be judging crimes against music obviously.