Water blow

IT’S reader Jean Cuthbertson’s dream to go on a luxury cruise. She’s pestered her hubby to book a waterlogged holiday for years. Recently her other half surprised her with… tickets for an ocean-going escapade? Nope. It was a box set of The Love Boat, that cheesy TV show from the 70s about wealthy Americans enjoying a big ship jaunt. “My husband’s always fancied taking up skiing,” reveals Jean, mulling over a suitable revenge, “so maybe I’ll buy him a four-pack of Ski yoghurt.”

Break-in news

OUR tale about a toddler hoping to mature into a professional basketball player reminds Hannah Muir of a conversation with her young grandson. “I want to be a burglar when I grow up,” he informed her. Hannah thought about calling the cops to get the little lad banged up sharpish. Luckily she decided to quiz him further. “It transpired he wanted to be a bugler,” she explains. “He spotted a bugle in an antique shop, and loved how shiny it was.”

Game's a Bogey

FED up with the woeful weather, Gary Parks from Uddingston decided to protect himself by purchasing a raincoat and fedora-style hat. On spotting him swaggering into the pub thus attired, one of Gary’s buddies remarked that his get-up was reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep.

“I look like a cool private eye?” enquired our reader.

“Naw,” said Gary’s pal. “It’s cos when it comes tae fashion, yer like Big Humph at the start o’ that film. Clueless.”

Mother of a day

WITH Mother’s Day approaching, reader Gillian Connolly is thinking about the highs and lows of the celebration.

The highs: “My breakfast’s cooked and served in bed by my 15-year-old son.”

The lows: “I have to grimace and say ‘Ooh, lovely!’ while munching burnt toast and watery scrambled eggs.”

Burning question

READER Angus Barker wonders why people put candles on top of birthday cakes. After rubbing his temples and staring into the middle distance a while, he’s arrived at an answer. “It’s too difficult to put them on the bottom of the cake,” he says.

Vac sucks

AFTER years using the same clunky vacuum cleaner, reader Mary Dorsey bought a zippy modern number. She’s not impressed. “It hoovers up dust just fine,” she says. “But I can’t help feeling I’ve not done a proper job if my back’s not aching afterwards. It’s like cheating, somehow.”

Yo ho… oh no

RECOVERING from an operation, John Murphy found himself with a patch over one eye. “I look like Long John Silver,” he told his wife, who answered: “Have you checked our bank account recently? More like Long John No Silver.”

Fallen furnishings

WAKING up recently, Eddie Brown noticed his books and ornaments scattered across the floor. “I’ve only got my shelf to blame,” he sighs.

Read more: Sir Teddy Taylor, 1967 and 1974