Viral hit

Every crisis needs a theme tune and this one is brewing up to be the biggest since Second World War, although there was rationing then so at least people weren’t brawling over toilet rolls in the supermarket aisles. But what to hum or sing into the mirror when you wash you hands for 20 seconds every hour or so when you have self-isolated and, frankly, you are bored out of your box and the Netflix menu has got too complicated to negotiate? Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life? Bring Me Sunshine? Possibly, if a little frivolous.

I wasn’t around in the Second World War, although it feels like it, but then there was (There’ll Be Bluebirds Over) The White Cliffs Of Dover, belted out by national treasure Vera Lynn. Forgetting that there actually aren’t any bluebirds in Britain, it was written by two sympathetic Yanks, who clearly weren’t big on indigenous ornithology, before the US entered the war.

Some people have suggested that it could refer to the sky blue-painted undersides of fighter planes and one verse could be read that way:

I’ll never forget the people I met braving those angry skies.

I remember well as the shadows fell, the light of hope in their eyes.

And tho’ I’m far away, I can still hear them say “Thumbs Up!”

What we need, I thought, is a new Vera Lynn when, blow me down with a Covid-19 droplet, I opened a newspaper on Friday to see that she’s still on the go and that she had just turned 103. It’s probably a bit much to expect her to reprise her song but couldn’t someone, like that Calvin Harris chap, put a contemporary backing track to it in this time of national emergency?

Courting difficulties

Court hearings involving children and their welfare aren’t open to the public or to reporters, to protect the kids involved, which is a fine principle. Cases can be lengthy and often controversial, when two former partners are battling over access to the children. Social workers are often involved and sheriffs (and Children’s Panel reporters) can put undue weight on their evidence. The proceedings aren’t recorded either, so there is no verbatim account of what is said in the case, which can again throw up conflicts. The coronavirus is now an additional factor, savagely cutting back access not just to the courts but parents’ access to their children.

There are 44 child contact centres in Scotland. These are anonymous places where the non-resident parent, usually the father, or a family member, can meet with the kids in a neutral environment. These visits are almost always as a result of a court order over access.

The centres are, almost all, charitable companies principally funded by the Scottish Government, the largest of which is Relationships Scotland, with an income of more than £1.6 million. But as private entities they can decide to close down for the duration of this pandemic, for understandable health concerns, and most have now done so, also laying off staff. Which means that thousands of parents will not see their kids for the foreseeable future and, more importantly, the children won’t see the parents.

Panic redux

It was Margaret Thatcher who claimed that there was no such thing as society. The naked greed and selfishness of the last few days tends to prove her right. I went into Lidl in Kilmarnock early on Wednesday evening to be greeted by the now common sight of acres of empty shelves.

No pasta, of course – I was in Asda in Govan earlier in the week and there were bundles of packs, but all gluten-free, which is surely a local cultural and culinary commentary – and almost all of the vegetables were gone, including potatoes. I mean, who stockpiles potatoes?

I managed to get the last lettuce and red pepper in the shop. Literally. I don’t know whether to eat them or frame them.

Party’s over

Step forward the management of a nightclub in Airdrie. On Friday, when the First Minister, the UK Government and senior health professionals were pleading with young people to think of others, not to go to pubs and clubs, an invite for that evening was spotted on said club’s social media feed saying: “Hope everyone is well and feeling ready to party.” A Corona party. It was illustrated with an image of two bottles of the beer.

By mid-afternoon on Friday the ad had been pulled – I think an earlier comment reminding the club of official advice could have been the clincher.

Good one guys.

Bombs away

I’m assuming they don’t do satire, so things must be really bad here when suicide bombers are told to keep away because of the danger to their heath. Islamic State’s al-Naba newsletter, which normally advises its followers to attack the West, has said “stay away from the land of the epidemic”.

The health advice goes on to urge putting trust in God to protect from illness and to cover the mouth when yawning or sneezing. Every cloud (and pandemic) etc.