Making a splash

GORDON Ramsey was visited by Gino D’Acampo and Fred Sirieix, when the three catering celebs filmed a TV show. Gordon wasn’t impressed by his chums’ behaviour, who he claims jumped in his pool, naked, in front of his stunned 73-year-old Glasgow-born mother.

“Ten years ago my mum, who smoked for 40 years, had a heart bypass,” grumbles Gordon. “They nearly gave her another.”

Pushy partner

WITH his wife in labour, reader Robert Coe commanded her: “Push harder!” The missus told him to: “F*** off.” Robert was put out by his wife’s fury. “It wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital,” he says.

Hardcore present

MANY ladies didn’t get the proper attention they usually receive on Mother’s Day, so we’re extending the celebrations with a story from John Richmond. He recalls travelling in America on Mother’s Day when he spotted a builder’s yard with the heart-warming advertisement: “Mother’s Day Special. Concrete half price.”

Doggy do’s and don’ts

A HERALD article about plastic collars worn by dogs to prevent them itching after an operation reminds Robert Gardner of his brother’s Airedale, who was fitted with such a medical aid.

Strolling with his master, the mutt often chanced upon another dog’s droppings. This intrigued him in much the same way an informative text book engages a scholar. As he examined the steaming pile on the pavement, his master would call him. The faithful pet would step forward, raise his head and scoop up the object of interest inside the medical collar.

Back home, the animal always dipped his head in his drinking bowl, resulting in doggy do being dashed upon the kitchen floor.

The lesson of the story? Dumb dogs are invariably less trouble than scholarly hounds.

Java jitters

“MY wife left me because she says I’m insecure,” moans reader Mitch Ellroy. “No wait,” he adds, “she’s back. She just went out for coffee.”

Punchy poet

A DIARY correspondent recently complained after being scolded for calling Ayr’s favourite bard ‘Rabbie’ instead of the more decorous ‘Robert’ Burns.

Sir Brian Donohoe gets in touch to reveal he’s on the side of the scolder, not the scoldee. The retired MP says: “Were Burns alive today, and you addressed him as Rabbie, he would punch your headlights out.”

The reason for the ploughman poet’s petulance?

“In his day, Rabbie was the name given to the village idiot,” says Sir Brian.

There’s certainly a rabble of rabbies around at the moment. Perhaps we should call them Ayr Heads.

Women woes

“MY girlfriend accused me of cheating,” says reader Mike Harrison, who adds with exasperation: “She’s starting to sound just like my wife.”