Mum’s the word

BACK in the 1970s, recalls reader Gordon Casely, that talented tinkler of the ivories, Victor Borge, played the Glasgow Pavilion. Pointing into the audience, he asked one chap where he came from. The audience member replied: “Motherwell.”

To which the great man responded: “And is your father well, too?”

Kid’s stuff

READER Hank Black has been arguing with his wife, of late, about whether they want kids are not. “My son is taking it really hard,” adds Hank.

Rogers and out

THE death of country singer, Kenny Rogers, brought back a merry motoring memory for George F Campbell of Pollokshields. It was Hogmanay and George’s brother offered to take our man and a few other locals on a first-footing trip in his ageing Bedford Dormobile. Immediately after the bells they set off round the countryside, with all the blokes in the wagon, but only one on it.

After a couple of convivial hours they were making their way home when the front of the van seemed to collapse, then it ground to a halt. All the lads piled out to discover that the front wheel had come off.

For a few moments they stood in stunned silence, which was only broken when one of the tiddly troop started to croon: "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel."

Loud and lofty

A FRIEND of Murray McDougal likes to cause a scene by going to his loft and playing the bongos loudly.

“It’s a little drum attic,” says Murray.

Posh paws

CATS are aristocratic animals, unlike the more proletarian dog. Reader Tim Pentland recalls his snooty moggy would only comply with a visit to the vet when she was driven there in his brand-new BMW rather than his wife’s inferior second-hand mini. “Although the cat was a female we called her Jeremy, after car-loving Clarkson,” says Tim, adding, “she never watched Top Gear, though. Even when her namesake was presenting it.”

Family values

THE wife of reader Bert Harrison recently accused him of hating her family. “It’s not true though,” says Bert. “In fact, l like her mother-in-law a lot more than mine.”

Legal lounger

A LAWYER contact of the Diary recalls a pal from his student days who was known as Rumpole of the Bailey. “Not because he had a fine legal brain like the famous TV character,” explains our contact. “He spent most nights belting back pints, then sleeping it off, fully clothed, on a friend’s sofa.” He adds: “So actually we were really calling him Rumpled of the Bailey.”

Grammar drama

“I’M giving up drinking for a month.” Says Bob Jamieson, sounding perky and positive… until he adds: “Sorry, bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.”

Read more: Jinky on target, 1964 and 1973