Pongy poem

A FRIEND of Milngacie reader Robin Gilmour owns an antiques shop in Newport Pagnell. She once told Robin about a lady customer wishing to sell a chamber pot that had belonged to her Grandma. When asked to describe the object in question she said its most distinguished feature was a poem written in the bowl of the thing. The Diary loves fine verse, and believes the chamber pot poem is the equal of anything written by Burns, Byron, Shelley or even the melodious McGonagall. We therefore proudly quote the odorous ode in full: “Keep me warm, keep me clean, and I won’t say what I have seen.”

Washing woes

ANOTHER of our unlikely stories. Stephen Cronin says he mixed up the words "Jacuzzi" with "Yakuza".

“Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia,” he shudders.

Plastered rock star

ALTHOUGH insisting she doesn’t need her ears cleaned out, reader Mary Bradbury does admit to often mishearing famous song lyrics. For years she believed US rocker Bon Jovi was singing: “Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, you give love a Band-aid.”

The correct words are, of course: “You give love a bad name.”

Mary, however, remains unrepentant and positively belligerent in defending her preferred version, saying: “Well, if you were shot through the heart, you’d need a Band-aid, right?”

Doors of perception

“My dad used to say when one door closes another one opens,” says reader Paul Barker, who adds: “He was a great man. Rotten cabinet maker, though.”

Clean get away

INSISTING he’s not one of those horrible male chauvinist types, reader David Hillman says that as it was his wife’s birthday this week, he told her she didn’t have to do the dishes. “I left them on the counter so she can do them tomorrow,” he adds. (Altogether now: Boo!)

Arabian tale

A recent Diary story set in the exotic Middle East reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of the time his pal revealed he was jetting off to start a second-hand furniture shop in the United Arab Emirates. When Gordon said, “Dubai?” this chap gave the perfectly reasonable response: "Of course, but I'll sell too."

Numbed knights

OUR mission to improve children’s literature by adding a soupcon of Scottish sass continues. Marian Dick from Stirlingshire suggests a certain medieval fable would be more grimly realistic if it was re-titled King Frankie and the Tramadol Knights of the Round Table.

Mind your language

A DAFT gag from reader William Doyle, who adds that he believes this will be enjoyed by many a newspaper editor.

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says: “I think I might be a typo.”