Candy is dandy

ANYONE who has studied the life stories of the rich and famous will know the secret of their success. They bound from bed early and… Get! Things! Done! Not for them the lackadaisical antics of the lumpen proletariat. Permanently perky Lorraine Kelly is one such example of the no-faff, all fizz, celeb. “I’ve eaten a whole chocolate and watched the Bette Davis tour de force performance in All About Eve and it’s not quite 9am,” she reveals with maximum smugness.

Though is this feat as impressive as it seems. One measly chocolate is nothing to boast about, after all. We hope Lorraine meant to say she single-handedly scoffed a triple-layered box of chocs. Or a family sized bar of Fruit & Nut, at the very least.

Frozen in time

INSPIRED by a recent example of religious scholarship in the Diary, Barham Brummage tells us he’s proud to announce he’s been undertaking his own extensive research into the distant past, and has discovered that in Biblical times there was a firm of ice cream makers. The company’s name? Wall’s of Jericho, of course.

Racing certainty

THE death of racing legend Stirling Moss reminds reader Sandy Tuckerman of his favourite pub quiz question: Name four past or present Formula 1 drivers with Scottish towns in their names.

The answer is Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Johnny Dumfries and last but not least… Ayr Toon Centre.

Gamble not gallop

OUR campaign to boost children’s literature by giving it a squirt of spicy Scottish sauce continues. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton suggests a certain classic horsey tale should be rewritten without the equine angle and instead should take place in a casino. This much improved book shall be titled: "Black, Ya Beauty!"

Green about romance

FEELING cynical about love, reader Joe Mitchell says: “If I had a pound for every time a woman told me I wasn’t her type… I’d be her type.”

Breaking bad

WE continue our run of harsh break-up lines, guaranteed to end a relationship with the maximum amount of speed, tears and recriminations. Tom Fury from Bearsden suggests saying to a soon-to-be ex: “You remind me of The Herald newspaper.”

When she asks why, a less than amical answer is given: “Because there’s a new issue with you every day.”

Journey into fear

THERE are many unusual phobias. For example, reader Paul Arnold has a fear of elevators. “So I take steps to avoid them,” he adds rather sensibly.

Winners do fold

“WITH so many sporting events being cancelled they’re having to televise the World Origami Championships,” says reader Deborah Raven, who adds: “It’s on Paperview.”

Read more: Bud Neill: Yaffayat? Whityatyaffa?