Police record

A READER recently revealed she often mishears famous song lyrics. This embarrassing revelation encourages Diana McCabe to admit she does the same thing. For years she didn’t realise The Police song Every Breath You Take contained the moving words, “How my poor heart aches.”

When she heard the record played on a pub jukebox she always accompanied singer Sting with the rather less romantic phrase, “I’m a pool hall ace.”

“No wonder my friends gave me funny looks,” says Diana. “They knew I was rubbish at pool.”

Escalating problem

WELL-TRAVELLED reader Margaret Thomson informs us that signs on the London Underground state that dogs must be carried on the escalators.

“I couldn’t find a dog,” admits Margaret, “But I went on anyway.”

Wall… fall… wallop

A RECENT Diary anecdote about a querulous Scottish granny growling at a wean reminds Bob Byiers of the Billy Connolly yarn about a youngster scrambling along the top of a high wall while his mother shouted from far below: "If you fa' aff that wa' and break yer leg, dinnae come runnin' tae me!"

Seeing red

ANOTHER of our unlikely stories. (At least we hope this one isn’t true.) Reader Colin Murphy says he tried to donate blood. “But it was a bit of a faff with too many questions,” complains Colin, who adds: “You know: Whose blood is this? Where did you get it? Was that bucket even sanitised before you filled it with blood?”

The dating game

ALTHOUGH reader David Herriot’s dad is getting on in years he still manages to surprise, shock and delight his son in equal measure. For instance, in a contemplative mood recently he said: “I’ve got a friend who thought Screwfix was a dating agency.”

Time for change

Tired of life in Scotland, reader Rachel Black says she intends to move to Greenwich in England next year. “I don’t know what I’m going to do in the mean time,” she adds.

Doctor knows best?

BOARD game badinage continued. Don Buchan from Newton Mearns tells us that when his children were young they never allowed him to participate when they played the popular game Operation. The reason he was excluded from all the fun? Don’s kids said that as Dad was a genuine doctor he held an unfair advantage.

“They ignored me when I tried to explain I was only a doctor because I had a PhD in history,” sighs Don. “I’d never wielded a scalpel in my life. Just a pencil for underlining interesting facts about Queen Victoria.”

Pun my word

“I told my friends ten puns to try to make them laugh,” says reader Sue Walton. “But no pun in ten did.”

Read more: Wembley 1967: Scotland on top of the world