Half-baked menu

THE world can be a harsh and unforgiving place. For instance, Greggs the baker has reopened. Which ostensibly sounds like a good thing. We also commend their description of how to space yourself in a queue. Freshly hung signs order people to stand fifteen sausage rolls apart.

Even so, the Diary has never shied away from highlighting iniquity, which is why we feel duty bound to quote actor, singer and onetime Greggs fan, Tom Urie, who has been studying the updated menu of his favourite high street bakery. “Nae snowballs?” he hisses, with barely suppressed outrage.

No nation should tolerate such injustice. We sense the beginnings of a political campaign…

Beefriending bee

CAT Harvey is a lifesaver. Though the life she saved happened to be rather small. And stripy.

The radio broadcaster reveals operation ‘Save the Bumble Bee’ is in full flow after she spotted one of the buzzy fellows looking rather lackadaisical. She quickly provided him (or her; in the heat of the moment it was hard to tell) with a spoon filled with sugary water.

As every insect expert knows, sugary water has the same revivifying effect on a bee as a can of Tennent’s Export has on a parched Glaswegian.

The bee was soon buoyant.

“Mon the bumbles!” hoots a triumphant Cat. “Save our bees!”

Horsing around

“What do you call a pessimistic horse impersonator?” asks reader Jeremy Hill. “A naysayer.”


WE’VE been publishing examples of giggle-worthy graffiti. Chris Watters from Hyndland believes T-shirt slogans can be equally entertaining. She recalls spotting a bloke strolling along the beach in Alicante. On the front of his top was the message: “To err is human...”

On the back was written: “To arr is pirate.”

Flowery language

DODGY spelling continued. Working as a delivery driver for a florist, Brian Higgins from Clydebank was about to hand over a bouquet when he noticed a glaring error on the attached card.

Regrettably most of the highly creative floral arrangers couldn’t spell, which our reader thought very bizarre. (Or perhaps bazaar?)

Luckily Brian could spell, or the recipient of the bouquet would have read: “Happy Birthday Lousie.”

Number cruncher

PUZZLER of the day from reader Bill Cassidy. “What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five…”

Wombling free

WE continue devising slogans for Scottish towns and cities. No doubt recalling the Wombles TV show, Bill Thompson suggests: “Tobermory. A little bit of Wimbledon in the Hebrides.”

Killer comment

WE shamefacedly end with a dose of violence. Though in our defence, at least it’s entertaining violence. “How do you murder a circus?” asks Jimmy Cross. “Go for the juggler.”