Pizza the action

CONGRATS to first time novelist Douglas Stuart whose book Shuggie Bain is on the Booker Prize long list. Douglas was raised in Glasgow though lives in New York, which might explain why he celebrated his nomination in a style befitting both cities. First he cracked open a bottle of champagne. A very Big Apple thing to do.

Then he grabbed a frozen pizza from the fridge. Much less glam. A whole lot mair Glesga.


LEWIS Hamilton admits not fully understanding a controversial video he uploaded to Instagram. The racing driver’s clearly a bright fellow, as his remarkable ability to turn a steering wheel proves. Though it’s difficult to avoid being fooled by fake facts. With this in mind, rascally reader Dan Charlton suggests the Diary should spread our own conspiracy theories.

“A friend of a friend told me Billy Connolly isn’t from Glasgow,” adds Dan. “He’s not from anywhere. The Big Yin’s just Ant and Dec, with Ant in a fake beard balanced on Dec’s shoulders.”

When the Diary raises a suspicious eyebrow, Dan says: “Think about it. Have you seen the three of them in the same room?”

Rodent romance

DIRE dates continued. Beatrice Ritchie arranged a tryst with a bloke who arrived at her house with a caged gerbil in the back of his car, which he had to take to the vet before proceeding with a romantic meal. “Luckily it didn’t have to be put down,” says Beatrice. “That would’ve been a real mood dampener.”

Making the Grade…o

WE had the idea of persuading royal family members to air their grievances in public, by way of a tag-team wrestling match. Maurice Wood believes the royals aren’t ferocious enough to be entertaining. He suggests a ‘ringer’ could be sneaked onto the fight card. A fake aristocrat with genuine battleworthy credentials.

Maurice says: “Scotland’s very own man of action, Grado, is the lad for the job. And he’s already a blue blood.”

Our reader adds: “Oops, sorry. I mean bluenose. Grado’s a diehard Gers fan.”

That’s the spirit

“MY roommate thinks our house is haunted,” says Graeme Harris. “But I’ve lived here 400 years and never noticed a thing.”

Appy ever after

SAINSBURY’S are trialling a virtual queue app so shoppers don’t have to wait outside the store. “It would be great if all life’s unnecessary chores could be dispensed with,” says reader Ella Rutherford. “Couldn’t someone invent a virtual ‘conversation with my husband’ app?”

Teutonic test

“I ASKED a German friend if he knew the square root of 81,” says reader Scott Wace. Scott’s German friend said… “No”.