Risky business

ON holiday in Spain, Ron Cowley spotted an article in a regional newspaper. Apparently there was a coronavirus outbreak at a local business. Employees were tested to see if they had the virus. Then customers had to be notified. Those customers were told to explain the situation to anyone they had been in contact with, including wives, mothers, children, friends and colleagues.

All of which might have proved difficult to enact, considering the nature of the business.

It was the local brothel.

Passable word

WE recently published a tale about a little girl whose father told her to create a four-word password for her email. The wee mite came up with: snowwhitebartsimpsonshrekwoodie.

A Beckenham correspondent points out that this would not comply with email’s rigid restrictions regarding upper and lower case, numeric and special characters. Her password should have been: 5n0wwh1t3B@rt51mp50n5hr3kW00d13.

Flowery language

SOME newspapers aren’t special. Not The Herald, of course, which is the Platonic Form of printed perfection; a princely publication which other lowly rags aspire to emulate. Reader Gordon Wright has been mulling over mistakes he’s noticed in those lowly rags over the years. He recalls the simpering coverage of a local wedding: “The bride looked beautiful in white. The groom was handsome in Highland dress, with a pink carnation in his bottom hole.”

Charitable chancer

THE six-year-old granddaughter of Gordon Hart hasn’t quite got the hang of charity. Along with her pals, she decided to tidy up the street during the dying days of the school holidays, then collect donations round the doors.

“What’s the charity, Alexandra?” inquired one neighbour.

“The ice-cream man,” explained Alexandra.

Sturgeon’s urgin’

A MASSIVE backlog of new books is hitting stores, meaning many interesting volumes will be lost in the literary landslide. Luckily the Diary is here to summarise titles that never quite made it to the shops. For instance, we hear rumours that Nicola Sturgeon was to have authored an instructive volume describing her gentle way of admonishing her subjects – sorry, fellow citizens – for not socially distancing. The book’s title?

You’ve Been Nic’d.

(Free truncheon and handcuffs with every copy.)

Cutting-edge humour

GRANT O’Rourke, who plays Rupert Mackenzie in TV show Outlander, is most impressed with the kitchen knives he bought. “They’re super sharp,” he says. “Took such a big slice out one of my knuckles. Really clean cut, barely felt a thing. So much blood. Great value, five stars.”

Dry wit

COCKAMAMIE comment time. “What’s the leading cause of dry skin?” asks Rob Castle. “Towels.”

Read more: Those were the days