Leg over

A PSYCHOLOGIST friend of the Diary has dealt with many traumatic situations, including marital disharmony. He tells us of one poignant occasion when a tearful woman sought his advice about her husband, who only had one leg yet could not desist from seeking extramarital affairs.

Or as his long-suffering wife described the situation: “He’s always hopping into bed with other women.”

More amore

AND on the subject of unbridled passion. We’re collecting phrases that can be used in the theatre and the boudoir. Russell Smith from Kilbirnie suggests:


“No, you shush!”

Animal magic

RETIRED teacher Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree recalls a young boy informing the rest of her class that his dad was a mowdie-catcher. Interest duly aroused, Kevin arrived a few days later with a mowdie. Or a mole, as they’re known to non-Ayrshire types. Kevin’s dad provided the dead animal as evidence of his expertise.

The specimen was placed on the class nature table, where it became a source of fascination for the children.

Even so, the following day Amy charged Kevin with giving the beast a dignified burial. A classroom favourite the little chap may have been. But the mowdie had started to mature somewhat, and was now the source of a highly distinctive aroma.

Though not a scent easily confused with luxury perfume.

Management decision

WE continue quoting reader Val Boyling’s guidebook for deciphering the language of tradesmen, which is titled: Parliamo Builder’s Lingo.

Typical builder’s phrase: We’ll need to check this with the boss.

Translation into English: This is definitely going to cost you a hell of a lot more, mate.

A sad tail

WE recently printed a joke about a dog and its tail, assuming it to be the only joke in history about a dog and its tail. How wrong we were. Reader George Campbell supplies us with the following bit of daftness…

It seems there was a poor wee mutt who lost his tail in an accident. “Did it spoil his carriage?” a concerned friend enquired of the owner.

“Don’t know about his carriage,” came the reply. “But it sure wrecked his wagon.”

Fat chance

A BOOK called The Diet Whisperer claims to have found a new method of losing weight. Reader Sheila Ross isn’t impressed. “I lost interest when I discovered it was the Whisper Plan, not the Wispa Plan,” she says.

Present perfect

GENEROUS father Walter Hodgkinson gave his son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. “Well, he did say he wanted an ex box,” explains Walter.

Read more: Those were the days