Lionel flair

TENNIS player Sir Andy Murray recently suggested, a tad facetiously, that Lionel Messi was about to join Hibs. Reader Alex Russell argues that the idea of him joining a Scottish team isn’t ridiculous. Here’s his reasons why the move might be on.

1) Messi’s a toaty fella, often bullied and booted by larger players. Scotland’s the land of Strachan and Sturgeon, where wee lads and wee lassies rule supreme and are never given a booting. (Even when they deserve one.)

2) Messi’s beard is ginger. A hair colour invented, perfected and promoted around the world by Scots. His chin, at least, would feel at home.

3) Messi would love the quality of Scottish football because…. Um, we seem to have run out of space. Guess you’ll have to take our word on this one.

Boudoir badinage

SCOTTISH crime writer Douglas Skelton had an energetic weekend. “There’s nothing like bedroom action on a Sunday,” he reveals. “Fastenings were loosened. There was grunting and sweating. There was some taking the Lord’s name in vain. I’m not ashamed to say there were tears of joy. But that’s the duvet changed for a wee while.”


COMEDIAN David Callaghan has discovered why Glasgow barmen are adored the world over: their highly attuned ability to spot a pretentious git at 20 paces. He recalls once entering a Glesga watering-hole along with an American. The American insisted on wearing a bandana. “As we came through the door the barman pointed at the bandana and said 'No',” says David. “We had to leave.”

With misty-eyed approval, he adds: “Love this city.”

Nailed it

IN Ayr recently, Gordon Casely spotted a nail bar offering customers the opportunity to be attended to by "qualified trainees". A curious phrase which presumably means workers are highly experienced at being inexperienced.

Train of thought

THE vice-president of Glasgow Uni’s Tory Party, Joseph Holland, was on an Edinburgh train that halted due to a swan on the track. “If that isn’t the most British thing ever, I don’t know what is,” says Joseph patriotically.

Though surely much more British would be a train halting because of a bulldog on the track? (Wearing a Union Jack bowler hat, of course.)


READER David Donaldson had a small family gathering that was made particularly memorable as David had to listen to his own children complain about how awful the youngsters of today are.

Hard to swallow

VISITING a doctor because of his crippling fear of palindromes wasn’t a good idea, admits Danny Bruce: “The swine put me on Xanax.”

Read more: Those were the days