Nutty story

HOLIDAYING in Spain some years ago, stand-up comedian John Gillick ordered tapas at a pavement café across from the beach. On finishing his meal, John ordered more drinks and asked the waiter, using his best Glasgow accent, if he had any nuts. The serving chap looked at him quizzically before saying, “Wait please,” and heading off to fetch the drinks.

On returning, he handed over the drinks and said to John with much regret: “Sorry, we don't have Javennie nuts. What are Javennie nuts?”

Fruity fumble

FORMER Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe makes us swoon with this true love story he says took place in deepest Ayrshire many years ago.

A couple were on a first date. The chap, being a sophisticated man about town, shelled out for balcony seats at the La Scala in Saltcoats. All was going well, and the young debutante even had an apple to munch while enjoying the movie. Alas, the apple fell from the girl’s hand and rolled down the aisle.

“I need to get that apple back,” she cried.

Her gallant date offered to buy another one. She shook her head emphatically and said it had to be that particular apple. “I’ve got my false teeth in it,” she explained.

Spirited performance

A DIARY tale about a street performer reminds Irene Burn from Netherlee of a group of Hare Krishnas she saw in Argyle Street. Resplendent in yellow robes and clicking finger symbols, they started to chant and sway. A wee woman, who was part of the watching crowd, was overtaken by a spiritual fervour similar to the one animating the Krishnas.

Joining the circle, she dumped her shopping bags at her feet, and launched into the Hokey Cokey.

Kurt response

HEARING that editors advised novelist Christopher Brookmyre to tone down his material, we’re imagining how such a request would have affected past authors.

David Donaldson thinks Kurt Vonnegut might have lightened up his novel about the horrors of war by discarding an S to publish Laughterhouse Five.

Ding dong dog

THE Diary’s collecting words for an updated version of the dictionary. David Walker suggests:

Rintintinnabulation, n. Conditioned reflex by Pavlov's celebrity dog to a bell ringing.

Milking it

WITH talk of another lockdown, reader Annette McGivern is planning to replicate the community Bonfire Night fireworks display in her home: “I’ll be pouring milk in a bowl of Rice Krispies and giving my kids the thrill of watching them go snap, crackle and pop.”

Silence is golden

READER Hugh Peebles repeats a joke a mime once told him: “….”