Leviathan lying low

WILDLIFE expert Douglas French believes folk should stop trying to spot the Loch Ness Monster. “She definitely exists,” says our reader. “She’s just ducking for cover right now. The big feartie is nervous about getting her two-jab vaccine.”

Naughty knitter cont.

MEANWHILE the real mystery of the century is who is knitting fuzzy hats for the post boxes of Greenock?

Yesterday we published a picture of one such cosily attired post box. Now our correspondent on the ground, Peter Sommerville, has revealed that woollen hats have appeared on two other post boxes in the area.

The Diary is now puzzling over a couple of pertinent questions:

1) Is this a natural phenomenon, like moss growing on the side of a wall? (Unlikely, as the knitted hats are decorated with nifty woollen figures, including a snowman and Santa Clause.)

2) Will this continue until the entire surface of Scotland is coated in wool?

No answers yet, though our investigative team are on the case. The culprit certainly won’t pull the wool over our eyes…

Bombshell comment

THE suspension of Baron Ken Maginnis from the House of Lords over claims of bullying and harassment reminds former Falkirk MP Dennis Canavan of the days when he and Maginnis were parliamentarians.

Bumping into Maginnis in the lobby one day, Dennis said: “Hello there, Martin.”

The Honourable Member was not amused, and with good reason.

Ken Maginnis had previously served in the Ulster Defence Regiment, whereas Martin McGuinness was, of course, a member of the IRA.

“The UDR Major didn’t try to bully me for getting the names confused,” admits Dennis. “But for one dreadful moment I thought he was going to self-explode.”

What’s the skinny?

WE recently reported the use of the phrase “Ah'v seen mair beef on a chicken” to describe a lean fellow.

Reader Gordon Casely recalls another Glasgow epithet inflicted upon skinny chaps: “He’s like a match wi ra wid scraped aff.”

Braw babbler

WE continue remembering the late, great golf commentator Peter Alliss. Ian Noble from Carstairs Village recalls the first Scottish Open from Loch Lomond. The cameraman focused on a beautiful babbling burn. After several seconds of silence Alliss said: “Isn’t it funny what the sound of running water can do to a man?”

Pinocchio’s pal’s pushy

CONTEMPLATING prejudices involved in the job market, Denis Bruce asks: “Would a puppeteer ever pull strings to get a job?”

Fearful fingers

THOUGHT for the day from reader Bob Murphy: “'Do Not Touch!’ must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille.”