Black Christmas

A DIARY story about a wacky Christmas pullover reminds reader Tim Nelson of the time he went to a party in December where everyone had been told to turn up wearing the most over-the-top Christmas jumper they owned. Tim spotted knitwear with Santa and Rudolph emblazoned across the front. Also jerseys with elves and fir trees.
One chap stood out. He wore 
a black polo neck jumper devoid of any frivolous festive imagery.
“Aren’t you meant to be wearing something Christmassy?” enquired Tim.
“I am,” replied the chap in the black polo neck. “This is exactly the sort of jumper that an existentialist wears at Christmas.”

Lounge lizard
FLICKING through the latest edition of a science magazine, Frank Barnes spotted a story about a species of cave-dwelling salamander which is particularly sedentary. One specimen didn’t move a muscle for seven entire years.
Frank says: “Someone should put a blonde wig on the little chap and call him Boris.”

Brought to book
‘TIS the season for fear and desperation. Especially when it comes to panic purchases. But not to worry. We have a solution for all your book-shaped problems. The latest Herald Diary book, ’Owling With Laughter, is out now, and it contains tales such as the following:
A Whitecraigs lady went into her local newsagents to pay for her newspapers being delivered. She explained that, being recently divorced, she was reverting to her maiden name.
“Is the address still the same?” asked the assistant.
“Yes,” replied the customer.
“Still, you managed to keep the house, then?” replied the assistant. 

Addled aspirations
WITH the end of December not far off, reader Mary Harrison asks: “Is anyone else making a New Year resolution, or have we all learned our lesson?”

Boxing clever
OUR readers continue to break social distancing regulations. 
In other words, they know they’re not supposed to go near the box of Christmas crackers until the 25th, but nevertheless tear them open to get at the corny jokes. Chris Williams discovered this ouch-inducing gag which he shares with us: “I always wished the sea was made of orangeade,” says Chris. “It’s my Fanta sea.”

Mouthing off
IT’S been a difficult year for most, though reader Ted Jones isn’t complaining. “The whole mask-wearing thing has really propelled my career as a ventriloquist,” he says.

Movie madness
FILM buff Peter Johnson wants to see a remake of It’s A Wonderful Life reflecting the year 2020. Our reader adds: “Only this time, instead of featuring Clarence the Angel, there would be a meaty role for Freddy Krueger.

Read more: Remember when...