Gone to pot

FORMER Glasgow Labour MP Tom Harris is occasionally recognised by his erstwhile constituents while walking the dog.

With no future ambitions to run for Parliament, Tom no longer feels any compunction to smile politely and tolerate temper tantrums from those he once served.

A complete stranger recently identified him, then pointed to a pothole in the road before demanding that Tom do something about it.

The fellow proceeded to lecture his former parliamentarian about how all politicians are crooks and liars.

Tom waited for the chippy chappy to finish his harangue then languidly informed him that he was “talking out of his a**e,” an observation that Tom found it most liberating to share with the fellow.

Pacey encounter

THE death of Gerry Marsden deprives the musical world of one of the greats of the swinging 60s, and the populariser of that classic song You’ll Never Walk Alone, which Celtic fans are apt to sing.

Gerry and his band the Pacemakers were chums of The Beatles, and the Diary recalls the occasion when both groups, still to find fame, played Hamburg.

Gerry and John Lennon, out strolling one day, came across a house of ill repute which took their fancy. They scraped together enough money to enjoy the services provided and entered the place, where they were confronted by a lady of the night who bore a startling resemblance to an outhouse of the sturdy brick variety.

Terrified, the rockers fled.

Gerry complained to John that it had been a waste of money, adding: “We got nothing.”

John replied: “I did. I got the fright of me bloody life.”

Shaky breaky

IN a supermarket recently, reader Frank Derby spotted a chap grabbing numerous tubes of Pringles, which he shook violently before returning to the shelf. When the chap spotted Frank glaring angrily, he explained: “I’m checking before I buy, and these are full of broken crisps.”

“Because people keep shaking them,” pointed out Frank.

Sensory censoriousness

“I CAN tell people are judgemental just by looking at them,” says reader Charles Miller.

Double trouble

MORE mixed messages from reader Paul H Costello, who explains that the following Scottish phrase has two meanings:

Get tay = Go away.

Get tay = We might need two.

Sadly sedentary

READER Paul Stewart's elderly grandfather admitted to one regret in life. “Sadly, I never raised hell,” he said. “I didn’t even give it a wee shoogle.”

Fishy anecdote

KEEN fisherman Alan Doyle asks: “Does every fish I catch and throw back go home with an alien abduction story?”

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