Lorra Lauras

WATCHING the TV news can be a dispiriting affair, points out David Kirkwood. Though not always for the obvious reasons.

“What is it with BBC Scotland that they cannot have enough presenters named Laura?” harrumphs our reader, before proceeding to list such notable anchor women as Laura Maxwell, Laura Miller, Laura Maciver and Laura Goodwin.

Pausing for only the shortest of breaths, he proceeds to name Laura Bicker and Laura Kuenssberg, both based outside of Scotland.

With a coda of optimism to round off his diatribe, David says: “I really look forward to hearing the news being reported by someone called Senga.”

Hard to swallow

IN a moment of deep and profound contemplation, reader Bob Jamieson says: “If the Government agreed to put the vaccine into beer, then opened all the pubs, we would all be vaccinated by the weekend.”

True. Though we would be too sloshed to notice our good fortune. Back to the drawing board, Bob…

Scandinavian scrutiny

THE recent death of footballing legend Tommy Docherty reminds reader Sandy Tuckerman of the occasion when the great man was managing Scotland’s national team, who were to play Sweden. Having assiduously done his homework, Tommy gave a team talk to his defenders, when he told them: “Jist watch the big blond fella.”

The dying flame

AN unlikely story from Stevie Campbell from Hamilton, who says a distant relative passed away over the holiday period.

“He was a somewhat sad individual who was both a manic depressive and a serial arsonist,” adds Stevie, who recalls the words spoken by the chap’s father during the eulogy, when he said: "Although my son never smiled, he still managed to light up every room he entered."

Feeling down

MORE mixed messages from reader Paul H Costello, who explains that certain words and phrases have a multitude of meanings in linguistically lax Scotland. For instance…

Hoedown = American Square dance.

Ho down = Fallen lady of the night.

Hoe down = I've dropped my gardening tool.

Haw doon = You shouldn't be up there.

Crackers for Crimbo

LETTING go of happier times can be most difficult, as Edinburgh-based writer and actor Dr Debbie Cannon knows only too well, revealing she’s “clinging onto the Christmas break by eating the last of the leftover Baileys special thick cream out of the tub, lit only by tree-lights.”

Bottling it

KEEN to get some helpful advice, reader Fred Jones asks the Diary: “How much should I spend on a bottle of wine? Is five minutes too long?”

Read more: Pot luck for a former MP