Lost and found

CONFUSED chanteuse Amy Macdonald has noticed there’s a new show on ITV called Finding Alice and another one on Apple TV called Losing Alice.

“I think I need to know more about Alice before I choose which one to watch,” says a sensibly cautious Amy.

Handy phrase

A RECENT Herald article about mittens reminds reader Jean Waters of the time she was talking to an Aberdonian friend about woolly handwarmers.

Jean referred to mittens as poccies.

“Poccies?” said her friend. “What a funny name for mittens.”

Jean inquired what her friend called them.

“Hummel doddies,” came the reply.

Job jabber

HAVING never attempted a proper day’s work in our lives, the Diary team has an insatiable curiosity about other people’s careers.

Reader Gordon Casely recently spotted that Aberdeen University employs an "Executive Director of Advancement".

An intriguingly vague title. After all, doesn’t all paid work involve some kind of advancing?

Unless you happen to be a professional ballroom dancer, of course. In which case spinning in circles is the preferred option.

Dizzy on duty

WE’VE been reminiscing about comic performer Andy Gray, who passed away recently.

Fellow actor Jonathan Watson was once standing next to Andy in one of those long queues that at first glance look like an identity parade at the local cop shop, though on further examination turn out to be a line of celebrities waiting to bow or curtsey to a royal dignitary after a theatrical performance.

Regrettably, Andy and Jonathan happened to be a tad squiffy, which might not have gone down well with the blue blood in attendance.

Fortunately it happened to be Princess Margaret, who was never a stickler for regal protocol.

Luckier still, Jonathan recalls she was even more “bladdered” than the lads.

Makes scents

ONE of our ever vigilant correspondents recently sent a picture of a plumber’s van in Ayr. The name of the firm, which was emblazoned across the van’s door, was Calm A Khazi.

Scholarly reader David Donaldson notes that the name is more appropriate than we first realised, for kamikaze translates into English as "Divine Wind".

Something trained toilet technicians know a great deal about… though perhaps not always the divine kind.

The name game

WE continue devising alternative meanings for well-known locations. Bob Jamieson suggests:

Renton = We don’t have a mortgage.

Carntyne = Traffic accident in Newcastle.

Possibly porridge

IN a thoughtful mood, reader Jim Hamilton says: “When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison.”

Read more: Remember when ...