As imagined by Brian Beacom

AND what a week, I can tell you. Axed from my role as justice and home affairs spokesperson. You know, Brutus only stabbed Caesar 23 times – I’ve got more holes in me than a cheap pair of trainers.

And at least Caesar was stabbed in the front. I’ve been stabbed in the back. By my own party.

Why, you’re wondering? Me too. Well, I would, if I didn’t already know, and we all do, don’t we?

But as a fair-minded QC I’ll offer up the case for the prosecution.

I had the temerity to become involved in the transgender debate. I’m not in total agreement with the party’s move towards a "self-declaration model".

For the record, I believe totally in trans rights; I just want to debate how best to achieve them. And me and 15 others said so in a letter, including finance secretary Kate Forbes.

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And what does our dear First Minister do? Post an implicatory video message on Twitter talking of young people who are leaving the party because they do not consider it to be a “safe, tolerant place for trans people.”

Well, I’ve heard of young people leaving the SNP because they do not believe it to be a safe place to have an opinion which is not shared by Nicola Sturgeon.

Now, the SNP’s very own Brutus Ian Blackford says I’m not a team player. But we all know that’s because I’m on Team Alex.

Yes, I called for Alex Salmond to be re-admitted to the party after he was acquitted of all sex harassment charges last year. But why wouldn’t I? He was the man who encouraged me to become an MP.

Now, I would reckon his chances of achieving sainthood are as likely as me getting an invite from Nicola to watch Love Island with her and Peter. But he has admitted he behaved improperly in his dealings with women. Enough.

But this isn’t the first stabbing I’ve endured. Last year, I was denied the chance to stand as an MSP against Nic cohort Angus Robertson, after the national executive passed a new rule – which was about as mad as the time I had to sue Pink News who claimed I was being investigated for homophobia.

Didn’t they read I was once declared "Scotland’s favourite lesbian", although I’m not sure what Susan Calman thought of that.

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As a QC I’m aware of the legal ramifications of making accusations. But it’s clear that Queen Nicola the First of Scotland has finally decided that enough is enough.

And here’s the real reason why. From my opening allusion you’ll see I’ve compared myself to Caesar. And you’re right, I’m not. But the worry for our Leader is she thinks I could be. That I’m out to get her. I’m Freddie Krueger in a pastel blue suit and Deirdre Barlow bins.

And she’s right. I gave Boris the skitters when he prorogued parliament and she should also be reaching for the Andrex.