THERE’S a reason why Prime Minister’s Questions is not called Prime Minister’s Answers. There are plenty of the former and few of the latter.

That said, some fundamentals of life were discussed yesterday, even some philosophy amidst the usual knockabout and mockery, the latter aimed mainly at the SNP as per.

As per, Boris Johnson arrived at the last possible second, his arms everywhere (as they tend to be – see below) and his hair even messier than usual, like Doc’s when emerging from another explosion in Back to the Future.

First, though, back to the 1940s with opposition leader Sir Keir Starmer, a character straight out of Shine On, Harvey Moon. Sir Keir spoke up for business on rates relief, presumably in England (it’s devolved), though he asked: “Why does the Prime Minister think he knows better than British business?”

Said Mr Johnson: “I think most people in the country are aware that we are going through a pandemic.” Eh? A pandemic? Who knew? The PM added that the ruling Tories were “wrapping our arms around business”, and noted:  “I’m delighted to hear this enthusiasm for business from the Labour Party when they stood on a manifesto to destroy capitalism at the last election.”

Read more: Robert McNeil: Last of the summer whine as Hancock says be happy

When Sir Keir came back with a question about extending the evictions ban (England), Mr Johnson replied that he was going to put his arms somewhere. Can you guess where, readers? Correct: “around the British people”. Well done for paying attention.

Sir Keir blazed gently: “I am not going to take lectures from a man who wrote two versions of every column he ever wrote as a journalist, who proposed Donald Trump for a Nobel peace prize, and gave Dominic Cummings a pay rise.”

Now we were into badinage. Referring to Labour shadow attorney general Lord Falconer’s words about the benefits of the pandemic to lawyers, Mr Johnson said: “Some people have said that this crisis is a gift that keeps on giving, Mr Crisis.” He meant “Mr Speaker”, but perhaps they should all have titles like that. Mr Waffle, the Prime Minister, Mr Doubtful, the opposition leader, with proceedings presided over by Mr Crisis, including contributions from Scotland by Mr Chippy.

He it was who raised the issue of 1.3 million UK children under five living in poverty. Ian Blackford, the SNP’s Westminster leader, said the “shocking” figure shamed the Tory administration.

Replied Mr Johnson: “We will put our arms around the people of this entire country” – including you, Scotland – “throughout the pandemic.” Then will you let us go?

After Mr Blackford dismissed that answer as “pathetic”, the PM retorted that there was “a fine philosophical difference between him [Mr B.] and me because the Scottish Nationalist (sic) Party is morphing into an ever more left-wing party that believes fundamentally … that it is the duty of the taxpayer to pay for more and more and more. We want to get people into jobs, Mr Speaker, and it is in that respect that the Scottish Nationalist (sic) Party …”

Aggravated at this titular tomfoolery, Mr Crisis interjected: “Whoa, Prime Minister! We both know that you are teasing him and are trying to wind up the leader of the SNP. Please, let’s drop it.”

But Boris wouldn’t drop it. When Neil Gray (SNP) asked about proper rewards for front-line pandemic workers, Mr Johnson said: “I see the Scottish Nationalist Party – forgive me, Mr Speaker, ‘National’. I don’t know whether they’re nationalists or not. Perhaps they could clear it up. Are they a national party without being nationalist? It’s an interesting semantic point.” Is it, aye? There’s no answer to that.