Pungent poem

OUR recent story about the medicinal properties of a certain pill reminds Gordon Wright of a rhyme he and his chums used to sing at school, which we quote below. (Warning: We advise our refined and sophisticated readership not to peruse the following at the breakfast table.)

Down the lavvy

Six foot deep

Lies a tollie

Fast asleep.

Do not touch it

Let it rest

Beecham's Pills

Have done their best.

The bald truth

A DIARY tale about an insensitive comment reminds George Dale from Beith of the time he was on a course and forgot to take a passport photo for the final certificate. Another attendee had done the same, so George went with this chap to the local supermarket photo booth.

While standing in the queue, our reader mentioned that the booth brought to mind the famous cigar advert starring Gregor Fisher in his "baldy man" character.

As the words left George’s mouth he realised, to his horror, that his new acquaintance was wearing a rather inferior toupee.

Luckily the follicly-challenged fellow didn’t seem to notice the near fatal faux pas.

In other words, close… but no cigar.

Confusing currency

OUR readers are recalling the advent of decimalisation, which shook our shilling-loving nation to the core, fifty years ago this month.

Mary Duncan from Garrowhill recalls putting ten gallons of petrol in her car at the Eglinton Toll filling station in 1971, when the price was 33p a gallon. There were no automatic tills back then, so the girl at the counter was forced to write down "33" 10 times in a column, which she proceeded to add up, eventually arriving at the total charge of £3.30.


A WHILE ago reader Ralph Cameron suggested to his girlfriend that they should go camping. She thought about this kind offer for a moment, then said: “I always think the word tent should be spelled with a d, i, s, c, o, n at the beginning.”

Transparent truth

PHILOSOPHICALLY minded reader Norrie Johnstone has decided to update the profound sayings of the Chinese sage Confucius. He suggests: “Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

A wee pause

FRUSTRATED reader Mandy Arnold says: “I called the urology department of the hospital recently and the nurse asked me if I could hold.”

Games people play

CARD playing reader David Liddell asks if we know what is the most popular bid in American bridge circles? It’s "4 No Trump", of course.

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