Mystery mail

WE recently revealed that broadcaster Neil Oliver invariably receives his mail, even when the address on the envelope is exceedingly vague.

Paisley reader Mary Christie is curious to know if other celebrities also receive letters sent with an imprecise address. To discover if they do, she now intends mailing an envelope to: Mr & Mrs Professional Gurny Face, Vast Wealth Avenue, (Opposite Easy Street), Sunny California.

(Mary refuses to reveal who the intended recipients of her letter happen to be, though she does supply us with one intriguing clue. Apparently their names rhyme with Barry and Fleghan.)

Sky’s the limit

THE Diary is discussing graffiti that makes our readers guffaw. Bert Houliston from Cartmel notes that in Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport there is a statue of the late Beatle, and on the plinth is a quote from his song Imagine: “Above us only sky.”

A few years ago, Bert says, when Liverpool were struggling in the Premier League, a fan added: “Below us only Watford.”

Last laugh

WE recently questioned the sincerity of former Celtic player Chris Sutton, who congratulated Rangers on winning the league, then added a sarcastic aside.

Reader Charlie Robertson (who we surmise might own one or two T-shirts of the true blue hue) responds indignantly: “Just wait till the Gers win 100 in a row. I bet Chris Sutton won’t be sniggering then.”

Flight of fancy

A SUNDAY school tale in the Diary reminds Willie Ferguson of a religious teacher who once asked his class to draw a picture representing the Easter Story.

Taken by surprise by one little lad's picture of an aeroplane, the teacher enquired about its significance.

The little lad replied: “People are flying off on their Easter holidays, and there's Pontius the pilot."

Lingua Latina

HERALD readers have been discussing the distressing/delightful (pick whichever you deem applicable) demise of Latin in the school curriculum.

David Gemmell, from Latin loving Lanark, learned the subject in 1961. Furthermore, his wife, Louise, can recite a schoolgirl ditty about it:

"Latin is a language as dead as dead can be,

Latin killed the Romans, and now it’s killing me.”

Margherita Time

OUR correspondents are devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to support local businesses and kickstart the economy once lockdown ends.

David Donaldson says Scotland’s Italian restaurants could do with some publicity, and suggests the popular hit warbled by John and Yoko: Give Pizza A Chance.

Pocket money

THOUGHT for the day from reader Gary Milton: “Pickpocketing. Is it the earliest type of crowdfunding?”

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