Plastic fantastic?

A FAMOUS chap celebrated his 60th birthday this week. A fellow in fine fettle, who has avoided all of time’s spiteful depredations.

His body remains trim. There’s no loss of hair. And when it comes to clothes, he isn’t a fashion victim… he’s a fashion victor.

So let’s wish a happy birthday to Ken, Barbie’s boyfriend.

Though perhaps the ultimate toy boy is a little too perfect. Those frozen features, that plastic grin.

Then there’s the persistent rumours. Our showbiz contacts whisper about an alleged nip and tuck. And is the Barbie/Ken romance built on solid foundations? Or are the cunning couple staying together to bag their own Kardashian-style reality TV show?

You just never know where you are with slippery celebs. That’s why the Diary prefers its own correspondents. As the following classic tales from our vaults underline, our readers are honest to a fault about their flummoxing, floundering and foolish faux pas.

And we wouldn’t have them any other way…

Fit or fib

A YOUNG Glasgow chap was once overheard informing a pal: “In the job interview they asked if I did any sports, and I told them surfing. Missed out ‘the internet’ of course.”

Visibility problem

A BLOKE in the Braehead shopping centre thought he saw a familiar face, but couldn’t place the fellow.

He asked him if he had worked in Babcock’s, which the fellow confirmed.

So the first bloke continued: “Do you remember that foreman who was always spying on us. A specky sod?”

“Yes,” came the reply. “That was me. Wear contacts now.”

Doggone din-dins

AS we’ve mentioned previously, our correspondents sometimes like to boast about their difficult early years. A Motherwell reader once declared: “We were so poor we had to eat scraps for our tea.

“I still miss that dog.”

Lesson for teacher

A TEACHER told us she always says to her Higher maths class how clever they are, and how high her expectations are for them in future exams.

When a pupil asked why she said that, she explained that there was evidence that if you say these encouraging things to people often enough, it becomes reality.

A pupil immediately exclaimed: “Miss, you’re a great teacher.”

Cutting comment

A YOUNG girl was once overheard on the bus into Glasgow explaining to her pal why she liked her job as a hairdresser.

“I love it,” she said. “I get to talk about me all day long to everybody!”

Dishing it out

A PARTICK reader confessed that he intended to start a diet after ordering a carry-out from his local Indian restaurant. When he unpacked the food he noticed the restaurant had included two sets of plastic cutlery, rather than one.

Boozy banter

THERE was once a bemused chap in a pub who looked at his mobile phone and announced: “I’ve just received a blank text from my wife.”

“Is she still not talking to you?” asked his mate.

Defective detective

AN adventurer intent on becoming exceedingly wealthy was inspired to take his new metal detector to the local beach where he enthusiastically dug down six feet before he realised he was wearing steel toecaps.