A GENERATION has come and gone since my beloved aunt Angela was brutally slain in the garden of her own home, but her death and the manner of it will forever be branded on my family’s psyche. Her daughter, my young cousin, was asleep in her cot as the mum she hadn’t yet come to know, was being taken from her by a man who wanted to rob her. She has chosen never to be defined by Angela’s death but yesterday on Mother’s Day, when she was garlanded by her own sons, she mourned again the absence of that sacred bond that only mums and daughters share.

I was five years old when Angela died and was protected from the emotional discharge by a loving wider family. I only offer our experience by way of contrasting it with the ordeal presently being endured by the family of Sarah Everard.

The circumstances of Angela’s murder made it a major story for the national press and, overall, they reported it with due care and sensitivity. There was no such thing as social media then and so we were permitted time and space to be alone with our grief and our memories. My heart is with Sarah’s family right now, for they will wish to bestow what dignity and grace they can muster for their beautiful girl in the midst of national outrage.

You may be tempted to say that life was different in the 1960s and that fewer women were being killed by men and that this explains why there was no mass movement to reclaim the streets. But you’d be wrong. In every generation there exist some men who want to hurt women. The simple truth is that it’s this one – aided by the heightened awareness that social media confers – which has chosen to say "Enough!”.

This is uncertain territory for male commentators to negotiate, yet it shouldn’t really be. You want to avoid portraying yourself as a hand-wringing paragon of virtue and are acutely aware that the simple fact of being a man means you will never have the lived experience of women who, each day, must stitch their own little private security arrangements into the routine of stepping outside their own homes. And so, you avoid the subject entirely and retreat behind the well-worn axiom, “it’s better for women to be talking about this”.

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Rather too often our first instinct is a defensive one, of the “not all men are like this” type and variations thereof. This is a trite and meaningless response designed to close down any further discussion about what the rest of us could be doing to reach out to the increasing number of women who feel vulnerable on our streets. Women don’t need to be told to adjust some of their customs and practices on a night out: they already do. Perhaps though, men – even the “good” ones – need to think about adjusting some of theirs.

On nights out "good men" are happy to remain silent when the conversation becomes luridly and deliberately more sexual. Often, this isn’t rooted in mere robust earthiness, rather it can be the earliest stages of grooming behaviour as an opportunist probes the tolerance threshold of the women in the company. On these nights "good men" will exploit women’s lower tolerance to alcohol and delude themselves that any favours granted afterwards were entirely consensual.

Here are a few facts among many: last week a UN study found that 80% of women surveyed had encountered sexual harassment in public places. For women in the 18-24 bracket this rises to 97%. For this to have happened on that scale means that many "good men" must have been witnesses and chosen to look the other way. In the UK a woman is killed by a man every three days; around two-thirds of them by former or current partners.

A few years ago, a very close friend was driven off the road and into a lay-by by the driver of an articulated lorry who “just wanted a chat”. When she filed a report to Police Scotland the disdain and contempt she was shown by two officers was as traumatic as her encounter with the trucker. “His employers have promised to have a word with him,” she was told in a tone that suggested it would be best if she left it at that.

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Of course, there’s a balance to be struck here. Many smart, independent and strong women resent being viewed as helpless damsels by men who feel their role is to protect and shield but who insist on prescribing for them a mode of behaviour that meets the ancient requirements of male hegemony: docility; meekness; purity of mind and body. By denying women sexual agency "good men" then contrive to be outraged when they choose to exercise it.

In formulating our uncertain response to male violence against women, it’s impossible not to acknowledge the way that free and explicit online pornography now forms part of the daily cinema in the lives of pre-pubescent boys. Should it not become a "good" man’s duty of emotional care to his sons that this is addressed? This might begin by gently informing them that watching this material means they are supporting platforms that knowingly derive profits from human trafficking and sex slavery.

The limitlessness and ease of access to these sites means that the inherent sexual psychology of young males – their view of relationships – is evolving into something dark. In this, the concepts of anticipation and mutual respect are being replaced by entitlement and immediate gratification. When this is inevitably followed by an assumption that sex is your basic human right – because everyone else seems to be getting it – then vengeful resentment often results and the emotional inadequacy of the Incel takes root.

As a man, you’re keenly aware of trying to offer something more meaningful than "something must be done". Punishing and changing the behaviours of men who hurt women is only part of any solution. A bigger part is for "good men" to snap out of their complacency and change ours. And, hard though it may be for most of us, be willing to accept leadership and advice from women.

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